Pillow Talk

Lately things have been weird between RO and I. Somethings happened earlier this week that I just don't know how to take. See all this week I have been going to school, going to detention like I am supposed to and because of the weather Ro has picked me up everyday. Well except today because Mom picked me up to take me to get a new dress for the dance next weekend.

Okay so I had this weird dream about two days ago, well more like creepy nightmare-ish dream. I have had this dream before from time to time as a child but it hasn't happened in a long while. So The dream is of me sleeping in my old room and it's a younger me. I would say I am about 7 years old in the dream, which is around the time I first had the dream. So there I am sleeping in my bed and its sort of like I am having an out of body experience. Like I can see myself sleeping from a distance but at the same time I am feeling everything that is happening. Like I can feel the sheets on my body keeping me warm and the wind coming off of my ceiling fan across my face. All of a sudden I see this dark figure outside of my window. It looks in and some how opens the window. It starts to slink itself into my room and while this is going on I feel myself tense. Now I am trying to scream wake up, trying to move around the room but  I can't talk or move. All I can do is watch this creepy black figure just float into the room. It stops just over my bed, hovering, watching and waiting. It stays there for a little while and then it starts to reach out towards younger me sleeping. I can see my breathing getting heavier and more erratic like I am having a nightmare. Then the figure starts to drop lower on top of my body and I try really hard to move, to scream , to do anything but I can't. I can only sit there and watch what happens. The figure just stays on top of me, I have no clue what it is doing but I can feel it touching me all over, breathing on me or at least I think it's breathing on me. All of a sudden it stops and pulls away from my body. It hovers for a little and then starts to leave my room through my bedroom door. Before I go to follow it I look back at my younger self and see tears welled in my eyes. I start to go out of the room after the figure and realize that I can finally move. I try to go back to my younger self but there is something pulling me outside of the room. So I go in the only direction I am allowed. I see the figure peek into my brothers room and then keeps on down the hallway to my parents room. I try to catch up a bit but stop to look into my brothers room to see what the figure was looking at. My brother is quietly sleeping away in his crib and I hear the door to my parents room shut. I start to race down the hall to get to the door but I can't open my parents room. Then I hear my brother start to cry and when I look back my younger self is in the hallway running to my brother. I go back to my brothers room and see my younger self climb into the crib with my brother and he instantly stops crying. I look back out into the hall and see the door open I start to freak and then WHAM I am waking up to my alarm clock. It was the craziest dream and to top it off I had tears in my eyes when I woke up. I have no clue what it means what-so-ever but I did talk to RO about it.

When I talked to him about it he freaked out on me. Saying that I must of went through something traumatic when I was younger and that I was hiding it. That I need to face my demons because they could eat you alive. The thing is I don't ever remember anything bad happening to me at the age of 7. I mean bad stuff didn't happen to me until I was 10 when one of my good friends died. Ro and I were pretty torn up about Ronnie for a while, he was one of our best buds. I still see his sister around sometimes and Ronnie's parents. RO and I actually go to Ronnie's grave every year on his birthday to sit and chat like old times.

The thing that happened with RO happened later on that night when he came over freaking out about his dad. We were talking about things just sitting outside on his car smoking a Cig and he just started talking psycho-babble.
He brought up California again. I just don't see what's so great about California we have never been there and I mean I can't just pick up to go there without knowing where I am going to live. I just don't know what he is thinking about. Here's how the converation went down

Ro: Dude he is just a fecking ass muncher seriously! Sometimes I wonder what the hell my mom sees in him. I mean he doesn't treat her well at all and well you know how he treats me. 
Me: Ro, its all good you only have  a few more years to deal. I mean your lucky your 16 and all. You only have two more years and you can do whartever the hell you wants.
Ro: Yeah well its not all its cracked up to be, you know being the older one and all. 
Me: I know what you mean Ro
Ro: I just wish things were different you know?
Me: Yeah, I understand you're home life sucks dude. 
Ro: No I mean in other ways. My home life is whatever
Me: What do you mean?
Ro: Like we could just go Mace, Just go to Cali and soak up the sun. 
Me: Oh Cali again huh? I smile then take a drag of his Cig
Ro: Come on Mace tell me you haven't thought about leaving this place and living a whole 'nother life? Some place to reinvent yourself completely..
Me: Sure I thought about it plenty Ro but I am only 14 for fecks sake.. What do you want me to do? Just pick my shit up and leave with you? 
Ro: Yeah.. Why not?
Me: Because it's not practical that's why not.
Ro: Who gives a Feck about Practical, I 'm talking about dreams and starting over. A fecking second chance at happiness. 
Me: I understand your not happy here because of family but I'm family too.. 
Ro looks at me and studies my face for something. He takes a drag and inhales deeply. He looks up to the sky holding in the smoke and looks away to blow it slowly. God he looks so good in his dark jeans and black t-shirt with his gray hoodie and black leather jacket over. His lips look extremely good tonight and the look in his eyes says he needs some saving. Lord knows I want to save Ro the most out of anyone in this world but I know I can't deep down inside. I know the only person that can save him is himself, not me or California, only Ro.
Ro: What are you thinking Mace?
Me: How your hogging that Cig! I crack a smile, he smiles back and it reaches his eyes. God I love that smile.
Ro: Lets finish this and get inside, its fecking freezing and my balls are not happy about it. 
Me: What balls? We start to laugh together.

Shit is so confusing. He wants me to go away with him to sunny California and trust me I want to go with him. It's just that I want to see what life holds for me here and part of me is so fecking scared. I can handle day trips to Delaware or new york city but living a life in California freaks me out.  I mean yeah sure Ro and I are best friends but sometimes he can be so mean. Sometimes he just turns into this whole other person and I don't know if I could handle being in Cali by myself when he acts like that. What if we live together and one day he freaks out on me and kicks me out. What am I to do then? Where am I to go ? Not to mention my parents would be livid if they knew I ran away to be with Ro in Cali. For now I think I am going to stay here where its safe and try this thing out with Kyle.

Kyle and I have been getting along pretty well. He came over last night, Peter dropped him off on his way to Meghan's and we hung out until Peter picked him up. It was a wonderful time. We just sat in my room talked about family, our likes and dislikes. We danced around to some Vampire Weekend which is one of his favorite bands. I almost died when I heard him say that in his little Irish accent. I was deathly jealous when he said he saw them one summer while over in Europe visiting family. He actually wants me to go with him this summer over there but I have to get a passport and ask my parents. We made out some which Kyle is a phenomenal kisser. I could just kiss that boy all day. Not to mention he gives me the craziest butterflies I have ever gotten in my life. I had a great time with him but the thing with Ro kept bothering me. So I have to talk to Ro soon to get this shit out in the open, you know my fears and my frustrations.