Okay so I am in Delaware with the gang, just having a good time and well I decided to sneak away. It has been driving me crazy being here and having Ro's words stuck in my head. I just don't know what to do because I think I am falling for Kyle but I keep hearing Ro in the back of my mind. It's like he's stuck in my head. I mean I wasn't thinking this way before this whole fight thing, maybe it's because he finally said the words I have been wanting him to say to me for so long.
He came over the other night and we just talked under the streetlight in his car.
He called, my heart skipped a beat, he told me we needed to talk face to face. I agreed of course. We hung up and I had fifteen minutes to get myself together. I ran around my room with butterflies in my stomach thinking of what to wear, how I look, if I smelled good and mostly how happy I was that he called me. I decided to wear my favorite band shirt with some jeans and my comfiest skate shoes. I threw on a hoodie on top and sprayed myself with Juniper Breeze, his favorite scent on me. I touched up my eye liner, put on my penny necklace he made me and combed out my hair a little. He called me to tell me he was waiting for me and I said I would be out in a second. I turn off my computer, check myself once again, decide this is as good as it gets and then run out to meet him.
My heart is racing, thudding so hard I can hear my own breathing and my steps on the ground make loud crunching noises. I check to see if parents light is on, it's off, say a silent prayer and keep walking towards his car. He gets out and I smile, he smiles back. He walks around to open my door like always. He smells really good, has on a black and red checkered shirt with a black shirt under neath, dark jeans and white sneakers. His hair is hanging a bit over his eyes making him look like Adam Lazzara from Taking Back Sunday. I slip into the seat and he shuts the door. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in and he opens his door, slips in and drives off. Our favorite band is playing through the radio and neither one of us is saying anything. We stay quiet, both afraid to speak, palms sweaty, heart racing and then our favorite song comes on. We both reach over at the same moment to turn it up, we look at each other and smile, let out a nervous laugh.I think to myself God why am I so nervous? Get a grip he's your best friend, what is this a first fucking date? Talk to him idiot! Say something..
Of course I don't say a thing, because I don't need to fill in the silence with Ro. We finally get to the park and park under a street light. He keeps the car on to keep us warm. He turns to me and I instantly know that now we have to talk, now we have to let it all out.
Ro: So.. How are things?
Me: Things are good.. I've missed you. I smile nervously hoping he missed me too.
Ro: Yeah I've missed you too. He smiles back reassuringly
Me: So where ya been?
Ro: I was with Jacob for a while.
Me: Ack! The creeper?
Ro: Yeah He smiles
Me: So how was NYC?
Ro: It was cool for a little while.
Me: Yeah, well your mom misses you, have you been home?
Ro: Looks out the window Yeah I've been home, she wasn't there.
Me: Oh
Ro: So ..
Me: Just spit it out Ro, you can tell me anything I give him wide eyes hoping that it isn't going to be bad news.
He smiles and then lightly presses his nuckles to the steering wheel.
Ro: You really know how to get to the point huh?
Me: Yup! I smile at him. Come on Ro, I don't like fighting with you or not talking to you, so tell me what's up I lightly punch him in the shoulder, you know the friendly ones you see in movies.
Ro: You know why, I told you before I left what was up.
Me: You mean to tell me after our last conversation you just decided to leave and not talk to me for a few days?
Ro: Well what do you expect? I mean I am so in love with you it's not even healthy.
Me: What?
Ro: Oh like you don't know.
Me: Ro I never knew you were in love with me. I mean I just thought we were two friends who were so close that we tried to make a relationship work. I never knew that there was love involved in this besides the love I already have for you as a friend.
He looks like I just crushed him but still I can see he won't give up without telling me everything.
Ro: Mace, I am so in love with you. Always have been. I think I first realized how much I loved you when we were kids. It was the day I walked by that stupid machine with that stupid Polar bear watch. I saw it and thought of you. I then thought about how mean I was and I instantly knew I had to make it better. I was 12 years old when I realized I loved you Mace.
Me: Well you have a funny way of showing it! I mean what about all the shit you put me through in our failed attempts?
Ro: Listen Mace, I know I messed up those times but all I am asking for is one more chance. I just can't stand seeing you hold his hand. I can't stand watching you smile at him the way you used to smile at me.
Me: And how do I smile?
Ro: The smile reaches your eyes. You look so happy like nothing could touch you. You can just see the love in your eyes and you now give him that smile. I used to get that smile. He looks at me, scrutinizing me waiting to see my reaction to what he is saying. I want him to stop staring at me. I want him to just look away. God the look in his eyes just make me want to cry and tell him all the things he wants to hear.
Me: Ro, I do love you. I mean I don't know if I am in love with you anymore. He stares at me to see if I am lying. He is reading every line in my face, watching , waiting, hoping to pick something out to let him know I am lying. I just thought you never felt the same way so I tried to move on. Kyle was there when I made that decision and I like him I really do. I don't know if I love him. I just know that for right now he is who I choose. I hope that doesn't make you not want to be my friend. I mean we've been friends since I was ten.
Ro: Mace, I don't not want you in my life. I need you in my life. Who else will be there for me at 3 in the morning when my whole world is falling apart? I mean it sucks that I waited this long to tell you I love you. It sucks that I did those things to you. I don't deserve you Mace, but I still want you. Just know I will always want you.
Me: That's sweet Ro. Who knows maybe one day our lives will work out that we do end up together. But for now I think we should date other people to see if this is truly love. I mean I am only 14 I don't want to decide my life right now. Do you really want to decide your life at 16?
Ro: If it involves you in it, yes.
I stood quiet I didn't know how to take that. He was being so open, so raw and just let it all out. He was definitely wearing his heart on his sleeve and I was ruining it. I didn't want to be the one to break him, I didn't want to be that girl.
We talked a bit more but then it got a little late for me. I had a test I needed to be fresh for , so we went back to my house. He asked if he could spend the night and I said of course. We went to my room, I changed into my pjs, gave him some comfy pants to wear. He kept his shirt off as usual. I put on some music and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I couldn't believe everything that happened that night. I didn't want to go back out there to my room to see him. I had to, Ro is my best friend and I owe it to him to keep it that way. So I came out we took our sides of the bed and I turned off the lights. I couldn't sleep but I stayed really still like I was sleeping. There was so much to think about. When Ro thought I was asleep, he moved closer to me and cuddled me. He then kissed my inner neck and whispered me loved me. He then touched my hair and fell asleep. I thought it was the cutest thing ever but I had Kyle to think about.
I am just glad we are talking again and I am glad we're friends again. I just don't know what to think about it all. I really like Kyle and I do believe we should date other people. I mean we have our whole lives to fall back in love with each other. Anyways I have to go the girls are calling me to get ready so we can go out partying tonight :)
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