Okay so shits been crazy guys. Seriously I am so over this whole who is better than who bullshit. My Valentine's day was complete and utter bullshit.
It started out sweet when in the morning there was a single rose attached to my locker and chocolates in my locker. Of course Peter put it in there for Kyle but it was still sweet. I went through the whole day at school with a cheesy ass smile on my face. Then at 2 fucking 30 the whole thing changed with one simple text message.
Ro: Where are you? I am outside your school, I have a surprise for you :)
Ro came to surprise me with a dozen roses, a huge ass teddy bear and a bottle of wine. Seriously after all this time I have known you and this Valentine's day you actually remember! Of course Peter saw Ro giving me all the stuff and of course I get a text at 3 PM.
Kyle: We still meeting at the coffee shop today? Peter told me about RO.
So of course I made RO drive me home instantly. I also told RO I could not accept the gifts because he was not my Valentine.
Ro: Well your mine and I won't take the gifts back, so just take them.
I just rolled my eyes and decided to give my mom the Flowers and my Cousin the Teddy. As for the wine I was totally keeping that because it was my favorite wine and I really needed a damn drink. I texted Kyle back five minutes later
Me: Of Course Silly, OH yeah we need to talk about that. He's insane. I miss you , see you soon xoxo
Of course I had to reassure Kyle he was my valentine by sending him such a cute message. I get home tell RO to fuck off basically because he just pissed me off. I know he means well and is desparately trying to get my full attention but I thought we agreed to put this shit behind us and just be friends? Was I mistaken?
Anyways I get to the coffee shop around 3-20 ten minutes before we were supposed to meet. Turns out Kyle was already there and he was talking to Denise! So I walk in and decide that this better be absolutely fucking good. I walk over non-chalantly, kiss kyle on the cheek and sit down next to him. I smile at Denise, she looked pissed off and Kyle looks worried.
Kyle: Hey beautiful, how was school?
Me: It was awesome until I got out of School.
Kyle: Oh yeah, how did that go?
Me: Oh I have to tell you everything later on. I look over to Denise So... What's up I say directed at Denise. Wondering what the fuck this bitch was doing talking to my man at the coffee shop.
Denise: Oh just saying hi.
Me: Oh okay
Kyle: Uh it was lovely running into you Denise but we need to talk about some things in private, do you mind?
She looked shocked that he asked her to leave, like she expected to stay and then she just settled for a half smile and got up. Once she walked out of the coffee shop I inistantly turned to Kyle, waiting for the beautiful explaination on how she was begging for his forgiveness and mine.
Kyle: Uh, I just ran into her.
I scrutinize him even more, not saying a word but saying everything with my look
Kyle: Look I know she isn't your friend but I cannot be not nice to someone.
I give him a look like he is ludicrous for not having my back and hating her as much as I do. Who gives a fuck about manners, she's my enemy, fucking hate her with me or don't be with me.
Kyle: Say something please ?
Me: I'm sorry but I don't understand your logic.
Kyle: What?
Me: How can you not be mean to her?
Kyle: Listen I know you don't like her but she didn't do anything to me. I feel sorta bad for the girl
Me: What!
Kyle; the poor girl has no friends and well you punched her in the face
Me: She deserved it!
Kyle: Well no, not really, no one deserves to get punched.
Me: Are you FUCKING serious right now? She spit in my face!
Kyle; Well I think you should of been the bigger person and just walked away!
Me: Wow, just wow!
Kyle: Wow what?
Me: Had you told me this when things went down instead of I dunno, rushing to my side, things would of turned out differently
Kyle: OH Like how? You'd be with Ro right now instead of me?
Me: OH wow that's a low blow!
Kyle: It's the truth!
Me: No IT IS NOT! You fucking bastard to think I was going to tell you I loved you today. To think that I thought we could have a nice Valentine's day!
Kyle: Wait.. what did you say? Love ?
Me: And now, now you've gone and ruined the whole thing by thinking its okay to talk to Denise! Then you tell me I was wrong?!
Kyle: Wait slow down
Me: No , No I won't slow down. I am uberly pissed right now! I am leaving !
I grabbed my bag and high tailed out of that stupid Fucking Coffee Shop! Kyle was chasing after me calling out my name Mace, yelling at me to stop
-Wait Please stop! Come back we can talk about this ! Please ..
Me: I don't want to talk to you right now! Just leave me the fuck alone Kyle... I turn around and take his Valentine's day present. It's a painting of us together in Delaware on the beach. I throw it at him and storm off ..
Me: Happy fucking valentine's day Prick!
Kyle: Mace!!
Kyle called and texted me a bunch. Ro tried to call me to but I didn't want to see or talk to either of them. Meghan called me, left a message asking if I was okay and that she was worried. I am sure Kyle talked to Peter who then talked to Meghan who then called me to try to get me to talk to Kyle..
In school Peter tried to talk about the whole thing but I told him that I didn't feel like talking to him and that it's best if he didn't mention it for a while. I told Meghan I had to re-think some things. I bet Denise had a field day hearing about us storming out of the Coffee shop, she probably smirked all the way home thinking of how she ruined my relationship! What a CUNT!
I talked to Mr. Grey the other day about the whole thing and he said he understood. Then he told me I overreacted a bit but it was perfectly normal. He talked some sense into me and well I ended up texting Kyle to meet me at the park today.
We met up earlier today and we talked about everything. I told him I needed some space that this whole situation made me realize we really don't know each other that well.
Kyle: So what does this mean exactly? Are you not my girlfriend?
Me: I didn't know you considered me to be your girlfriend .
Kyle: Well I mean we've been hanging out almost every day, we make out a lot, we go on mini weekend trips together and well I would call that dating, no?
Me: Yeah well dating but you never officially asked me to be your girlfriend. Not that I think it's a good choice right now though.
Kyle: why is that?
Me: Well I mean after that blow up on Monday
Kyle: That was just a misunderstanding.
Me: No Kyle, it wasn't 'just a misunderstanding' It meant a lot to me that you would do that
Kyle: do what? Be nice to someone?
Me: NO, not just anyone, Her.
Kyle: Oh So because it was Denise it's a problem.. ?
Me: yeah, I mean She tried to pull us apart by telling you lies in the beginning. Then she spit in my face because she thought I was a traitor. She lied to her dad about me and to the school. She spread nasty rumors that I was prego with Ro's baby! She has done so many other things before you even came into my life and .. And
Kyle: But she did that all to you! Not me!
Me: you don't get it Kyle. She messed up my life for a very long time. She brought unneccesary drama
Kyle: oh like this isn't?
Me: Your a real piece of work Kyle, Look if someone hurt you, I would hate them. I couldn't stand there and be nice to them for manners sake. I would treat them like they were a disease because that's how much I care about you. Thats How much you MEAN to me! Obviously I don't mean that much to you. If you don't get this, then we can't work, do you understand that? It's either me as your girl or her as your friend.
Kyle: This is so juvenile why make me choose? I would never ask you to dislike someone I don't like!
Me: what is the matter with you? Why are you defending her so much? Are you two an item or something?
Kyle: No I'm with you
Me: and what? If we weren't together you'd be with her?
He gave me this distant look, like he couldn't believe I just said that to him. He stood quiet and that was answer enough. I started to feel tears coming..
Me: Look just forget this ever happened okay.
Kyle: wait what?
Me: You and me are through kyle. ...
Kyle: Wait what just happened?
Me: Just drop it okay as I turned to walk away he grabbed my arm
Kyle: Why are you leaving?
Me: You didn't answer me
Kyle: What?
Me: You didn't answer me!
Kyle: You didn't ask a question
Me; Yes I fucking did,
Kyle; No you didn't
Me: Jesus Fucking Christ, I asked that if you weren't with me would you be with Denise, then you gave me this look like I hit a nail on the fucking head and didn't answer my goddamn question.
Kyle: because there was no reason to, I would never be with her
Me: Ha! Now your lying! You didn't answer me, you said nothing and that is answer enough
Kyle: SO because I didn't answer your stupid question we're done?
Me: No its not that, its when you said the RO comment I answered you, I defended myself and how I felt about you, about US! You didn't say a fucking peep!
Kyle: OH BULLSHIT! You fucking stormed out of the damn coffee shop! Probably to go run to him!
Me: HOW THE FUCK DARE YO-
Kyle: Yeah How the fuck dare I say the fucking truth!
Me: No, Not the truth, a fucking lie! I didn't talk to anyone, I went home and cried my eyes out Kyle! I didn't eat, sleep or speak to anyone for three whole fucking days!
He just looked at me like he didn't know what to do because I started to scream and cry.
Me: You are such an idiot and one day you will regret ever hurting me like this ... Fuck you Kyle
And I just left. I left him standing there at the top of the hill. I left my heart and my soul on that hill today. I came home and cried for two whole hours. Just now I got up to write it all out, to tell everything to you. Kyle and I are done, Denise can have him for all I care. I think I am just going to stay single and have fun. Tomorrow is Friday and I am going to hang out with Cassie. We are going to the mall and then some party her brother's friend from home is throwing in Cassie's brothers honor. Apparently he got this internship he's been wanting. So maybe that should be fun and then Saturday I think Cassie and I are going to take a trip into the city and just go to the museum maybe meet some new people. I am going to take this heart ache by the balls and just get over it. I really enjoyed Kyle but now I realize I was falling for someone I hardly knew, I was falling in love with the idea of being with someone new. As for RO I haven't decided when I will talk to him. He's been messaging me for the past few days of Sorrys and how much he misses me. I seriously think we should date other people, I won't let this Kyle thing be a set back. I have school tomorrow and I really just want to stop typing. So ta-ta motha suckahs .. tomorrow is Friday, thank the heavens!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Turn it around and make it all right
Okay so I am in Delaware with the gang, just having a good time and well I decided to sneak away. It has been driving me crazy being here and having Ro's words stuck in my head. I just don't know what to do because I think I am falling for Kyle but I keep hearing Ro in the back of my mind. It's like he's stuck in my head. I mean I wasn't thinking this way before this whole fight thing, maybe it's because he finally said the words I have been wanting him to say to me for so long.
He came over the other night and we just talked under the streetlight in his car.
He called, my heart skipped a beat, he told me we needed to talk face to face. I agreed of course. We hung up and I had fifteen minutes to get myself together. I ran around my room with butterflies in my stomach thinking of what to wear, how I look, if I smelled good and mostly how happy I was that he called me. I decided to wear my favorite band shirt with some jeans and my comfiest skate shoes. I threw on a hoodie on top and sprayed myself with Juniper Breeze, his favorite scent on me. I touched up my eye liner, put on my penny necklace he made me and combed out my hair a little. He called me to tell me he was waiting for me and I said I would be out in a second. I turn off my computer, check myself once again, decide this is as good as it gets and then run out to meet him.
My heart is racing, thudding so hard I can hear my own breathing and my steps on the ground make loud crunching noises. I check to see if parents light is on, it's off, say a silent prayer and keep walking towards his car. He gets out and I smile, he smiles back. He walks around to open my door like always. He smells really good, has on a black and red checkered shirt with a black shirt under neath, dark jeans and white sneakers. His hair is hanging a bit over his eyes making him look like Adam Lazzara from Taking Back Sunday. I slip into the seat and he shuts the door. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in and he opens his door, slips in and drives off. Our favorite band is playing through the radio and neither one of us is saying anything. We stay quiet, both afraid to speak, palms sweaty, heart racing and then our favorite song comes on. We both reach over at the same moment to turn it up, we look at each other and smile, let out a nervous laugh.I think to myself God why am I so nervous? Get a grip he's your best friend, what is this a first fucking date? Talk to him idiot! Say something..
Of course I don't say a thing, because I don't need to fill in the silence with Ro. We finally get to the park and park under a street light. He keeps the car on to keep us warm. He turns to me and I instantly know that now we have to talk, now we have to let it all out.
Ro: So.. How are things?
Me: Things are good.. I've missed you. I smile nervously hoping he missed me too.
Ro: Yeah I've missed you too. He smiles back reassuringly
Me: So where ya been?
Ro: I was with Jacob for a while.
Me: Ack! The creeper?
Ro: Yeah He smiles
Me: So how was NYC?
Ro: It was cool for a little while.
Me: Yeah, well your mom misses you, have you been home?
Ro: Looks out the window Yeah I've been home, she wasn't there.
Me: Oh
Ro: So ..
Me: Just spit it out Ro, you can tell me anything I give him wide eyes hoping that it isn't going to be bad news.
He smiles and then lightly presses his nuckles to the steering wheel.
Ro: You really know how to get to the point huh?
Me: Yup! I smile at him. Come on Ro, I don't like fighting with you or not talking to you, so tell me what's up I lightly punch him in the shoulder, you know the friendly ones you see in movies.
Ro: You know why, I told you before I left what was up.
Me: You mean to tell me after our last conversation you just decided to leave and not talk to me for a few days?
Ro: Well what do you expect? I mean I am so in love with you it's not even healthy.
Me: What?
Ro: Oh like you don't know.
Me: Ro I never knew you were in love with me. I mean I just thought we were two friends who were so close that we tried to make a relationship work. I never knew that there was love involved in this besides the love I already have for you as a friend.
He looks like I just crushed him but still I can see he won't give up without telling me everything.
Ro: Mace, I am so in love with you. Always have been. I think I first realized how much I loved you when we were kids. It was the day I walked by that stupid machine with that stupid Polar bear watch. I saw it and thought of you. I then thought about how mean I was and I instantly knew I had to make it better. I was 12 years old when I realized I loved you Mace.
Me: Well you have a funny way of showing it! I mean what about all the shit you put me through in our failed attempts?
Ro: Listen Mace, I know I messed up those times but all I am asking for is one more chance. I just can't stand seeing you hold his hand. I can't stand watching you smile at him the way you used to smile at me.
Me: And how do I smile?
Ro: The smile reaches your eyes. You look so happy like nothing could touch you. You can just see the love in your eyes and you now give him that smile. I used to get that smile. He looks at me, scrutinizing me waiting to see my reaction to what he is saying. I want him to stop staring at me. I want him to just look away. God the look in his eyes just make me want to cry and tell him all the things he wants to hear.
Me: Ro, I do love you. I mean I don't know if I am in love with you anymore. He stares at me to see if I am lying. He is reading every line in my face, watching , waiting, hoping to pick something out to let him know I am lying. I just thought you never felt the same way so I tried to move on. Kyle was there when I made that decision and I like him I really do. I don't know if I love him. I just know that for right now he is who I choose. I hope that doesn't make you not want to be my friend. I mean we've been friends since I was ten.
Ro: Mace, I don't not want you in my life. I need you in my life. Who else will be there for me at 3 in the morning when my whole world is falling apart? I mean it sucks that I waited this long to tell you I love you. It sucks that I did those things to you. I don't deserve you Mace, but I still want you. Just know I will always want you.
Me: That's sweet Ro. Who knows maybe one day our lives will work out that we do end up together. But for now I think we should date other people to see if this is truly love. I mean I am only 14 I don't want to decide my life right now. Do you really want to decide your life at 16?
Ro: If it involves you in it, yes.
I stood quiet I didn't know how to take that. He was being so open, so raw and just let it all out. He was definitely wearing his heart on his sleeve and I was ruining it. I didn't want to be the one to break him, I didn't want to be that girl.
We talked a bit more but then it got a little late for me. I had a test I needed to be fresh for , so we went back to my house. He asked if he could spend the night and I said of course. We went to my room, I changed into my pjs, gave him some comfy pants to wear. He kept his shirt off as usual. I put on some music and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I couldn't believe everything that happened that night. I didn't want to go back out there to my room to see him. I had to, Ro is my best friend and I owe it to him to keep it that way. So I came out we took our sides of the bed and I turned off the lights. I couldn't sleep but I stayed really still like I was sleeping. There was so much to think about. When Ro thought I was asleep, he moved closer to me and cuddled me. He then kissed my inner neck and whispered me loved me. He then touched my hair and fell asleep. I thought it was the cutest thing ever but I had Kyle to think about.
I am just glad we are talking again and I am glad we're friends again. I just don't know what to think about it all. I really like Kyle and I do believe we should date other people. I mean we have our whole lives to fall back in love with each other. Anyways I have to go the girls are calling me to get ready so we can go out partying tonight :)
He came over the other night and we just talked under the streetlight in his car.
He called, my heart skipped a beat, he told me we needed to talk face to face. I agreed of course. We hung up and I had fifteen minutes to get myself together. I ran around my room with butterflies in my stomach thinking of what to wear, how I look, if I smelled good and mostly how happy I was that he called me. I decided to wear my favorite band shirt with some jeans and my comfiest skate shoes. I threw on a hoodie on top and sprayed myself with Juniper Breeze, his favorite scent on me. I touched up my eye liner, put on my penny necklace he made me and combed out my hair a little. He called me to tell me he was waiting for me and I said I would be out in a second. I turn off my computer, check myself once again, decide this is as good as it gets and then run out to meet him.
My heart is racing, thudding so hard I can hear my own breathing and my steps on the ground make loud crunching noises. I check to see if parents light is on, it's off, say a silent prayer and keep walking towards his car. He gets out and I smile, he smiles back. He walks around to open my door like always. He smells really good, has on a black and red checkered shirt with a black shirt under neath, dark jeans and white sneakers. His hair is hanging a bit over his eyes making him look like Adam Lazzara from Taking Back Sunday. I slip into the seat and he shuts the door. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in and he opens his door, slips in and drives off. Our favorite band is playing through the radio and neither one of us is saying anything. We stay quiet, both afraid to speak, palms sweaty, heart racing and then our favorite song comes on. We both reach over at the same moment to turn it up, we look at each other and smile, let out a nervous laugh.I think to myself God why am I so nervous? Get a grip he's your best friend, what is this a first fucking date? Talk to him idiot! Say something..
Of course I don't say a thing, because I don't need to fill in the silence with Ro. We finally get to the park and park under a street light. He keeps the car on to keep us warm. He turns to me and I instantly know that now we have to talk, now we have to let it all out.
Ro: So.. How are things?
Me: Things are good.. I've missed you. I smile nervously hoping he missed me too.
Ro: Yeah I've missed you too. He smiles back reassuringly
Me: So where ya been?
Ro: I was with Jacob for a while.
Me: Ack! The creeper?
Ro: Yeah He smiles
Me: So how was NYC?
Ro: It was cool for a little while.
Me: Yeah, well your mom misses you, have you been home?
Ro: Looks out the window Yeah I've been home, she wasn't there.
Me: Oh
Ro: So ..
Me: Just spit it out Ro, you can tell me anything I give him wide eyes hoping that it isn't going to be bad news.
He smiles and then lightly presses his nuckles to the steering wheel.
Ro: You really know how to get to the point huh?
Me: Yup! I smile at him. Come on Ro, I don't like fighting with you or not talking to you, so tell me what's up I lightly punch him in the shoulder, you know the friendly ones you see in movies.
Ro: You know why, I told you before I left what was up.
Me: You mean to tell me after our last conversation you just decided to leave and not talk to me for a few days?
Ro: Well what do you expect? I mean I am so in love with you it's not even healthy.
Me: What?
Ro: Oh like you don't know.
Me: Ro I never knew you were in love with me. I mean I just thought we were two friends who were so close that we tried to make a relationship work. I never knew that there was love involved in this besides the love I already have for you as a friend.
He looks like I just crushed him but still I can see he won't give up without telling me everything.
Ro: Mace, I am so in love with you. Always have been. I think I first realized how much I loved you when we were kids. It was the day I walked by that stupid machine with that stupid Polar bear watch. I saw it and thought of you. I then thought about how mean I was and I instantly knew I had to make it better. I was 12 years old when I realized I loved you Mace.
Me: Well you have a funny way of showing it! I mean what about all the shit you put me through in our failed attempts?
Ro: Listen Mace, I know I messed up those times but all I am asking for is one more chance. I just can't stand seeing you hold his hand. I can't stand watching you smile at him the way you used to smile at me.
Me: And how do I smile?
Ro: The smile reaches your eyes. You look so happy like nothing could touch you. You can just see the love in your eyes and you now give him that smile. I used to get that smile. He looks at me, scrutinizing me waiting to see my reaction to what he is saying. I want him to stop staring at me. I want him to just look away. God the look in his eyes just make me want to cry and tell him all the things he wants to hear.
Me: Ro, I do love you. I mean I don't know if I am in love with you anymore. He stares at me to see if I am lying. He is reading every line in my face, watching , waiting, hoping to pick something out to let him know I am lying. I just thought you never felt the same way so I tried to move on. Kyle was there when I made that decision and I like him I really do. I don't know if I love him. I just know that for right now he is who I choose. I hope that doesn't make you not want to be my friend. I mean we've been friends since I was ten.
Ro: Mace, I don't not want you in my life. I need you in my life. Who else will be there for me at 3 in the morning when my whole world is falling apart? I mean it sucks that I waited this long to tell you I love you. It sucks that I did those things to you. I don't deserve you Mace, but I still want you. Just know I will always want you.
Me: That's sweet Ro. Who knows maybe one day our lives will work out that we do end up together. But for now I think we should date other people to see if this is truly love. I mean I am only 14 I don't want to decide my life right now. Do you really want to decide your life at 16?
Ro: If it involves you in it, yes.
I stood quiet I didn't know how to take that. He was being so open, so raw and just let it all out. He was definitely wearing his heart on his sleeve and I was ruining it. I didn't want to be the one to break him, I didn't want to be that girl.
We talked a bit more but then it got a little late for me. I had a test I needed to be fresh for , so we went back to my house. He asked if he could spend the night and I said of course. We went to my room, I changed into my pjs, gave him some comfy pants to wear. He kept his shirt off as usual. I put on some music and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I couldn't believe everything that happened that night. I didn't want to go back out there to my room to see him. I had to, Ro is my best friend and I owe it to him to keep it that way. So I came out we took our sides of the bed and I turned off the lights. I couldn't sleep but I stayed really still like I was sleeping. There was so much to think about. When Ro thought I was asleep, he moved closer to me and cuddled me. He then kissed my inner neck and whispered me loved me. He then touched my hair and fell asleep. I thought it was the cutest thing ever but I had Kyle to think about.
I am just glad we are talking again and I am glad we're friends again. I just don't know what to think about it all. I really like Kyle and I do believe we should date other people. I mean we have our whole lives to fall back in love with each other. Anyways I have to go the girls are calling me to get ready so we can go out partying tonight :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Back to December
Ro
He finally texted me today while I was at school. Said he was okay.
I freaked out because that is all he said to me -_- who does that? Not talk to you for so long and then finally responds to your messages that they are okay? Seriously at a loss for words. I tried to call him and text but I got nothing. I am so pissed off right now. Ugh my phone is going off again, if it isn't him I swear I might cry.
It was him! He is going to stop by later :) Thank god.. maybe we can talk this all out get our friendship back on track!
He finally texted me today while I was at school. Said he was okay.
I freaked out because that is all he said to me -_- who does that? Not talk to you for so long and then finally responds to your messages that they are okay? Seriously at a loss for words. I tried to call him and text but I got nothing. I am so pissed off right now. Ugh my phone is going off again, if it isn't him I swear I might cry.
It was him! He is going to stop by later :) Thank god.. maybe we can talk this all out get our friendship back on track!
Circle the Drain
You know this whole fight with Ro is going horribly. We haven't talked for a couple of days and it seriously a couple days too long. The last time we went over twenty four hours of not speaking was when I was 10 and he was 12. He ruined my favorite Barbie because he decided being friends with Greg was way more cool than hanging out with a 10 year old. So he came over with the boys as I was playing by myself and they teased me, told him to ruin my Barbie if he still wanted to their friend. I could tell he didn't want to ruin it but he wanted to have guy friends so he did it to be cool. I cried of course because the Barbie was given to me by my aunt who had passed away. It was the last thing she ever gave me besides a hug and he ruined it. He showed up on my door step a few days later in a suit with a gift. It was this Coca Cola polar bear watch I had wanted a few weeks back. Apparently he spent all his lunch money on the machine to try to win it for me. Of course he was so damn cute in that suit and the fact that he would do that for me to apologize was the icing on the cake. We've been friends ever since, sure we have our arguments but never like this. Never where we didn't talk to each other for days at a time, usually we bicker, argue and then we just get over it by bringing up old times.
I have tried to call him, text him, email him, tweet him, face book him and I even called his parents house. He won't talk to me and well his mom hasn't seen him for the past two days. I am so worried about him and our friendship. Somethings are going down here in my house and I really just want to talk to Ro. He gets me like no one else does and he always cheers me up some how. I don't know why he is taking this whole Kyle thing to heart. Its really confusing to me because not too long ago he was hanging all over Cherie and that didn't get me all jealous. Now that I mention Kyle and all of a sudden Ro decides he wants us to take things slow and date again.
Speaking of Kyle, I really like him a lot and since Ro isn't around well I've been hanging out with Kyle a bit more. Like the other day I went to one of Kyles Rugby games, it was freezing but still I had fun seeing him get all sweaty. He looked really good in the uniform. I like that Kyle and I are only kissing and holding hands. He doesn't make me feel pressured to do anything else and maybe that's because he doesn't want to do anything else. We've talked about things and he is all for taking things slow. I mean I am in no rush to lose my virginity but at times when we're all making out I feel like I could. I guess he just gets me all hot and bothered but then again I get all creeped out about the whole sex thing. I mean everyone, and I mean EVERYONE says it sucks the first time. It's not enjoyable for the girl at all and really it takes a few times to get used to it. So why in the world would I want to do something that isn't enjoyable and makes me bleed? Pssh I bleed for a few days once a month and that is enough.
Anyways Kyle introduced me to some of his friends who are really cool. I mean I don't know them really but they seemed nice. It's kind of weird going to school now that I don't really talk to anyone. I mean I talk to Peter and Meghan but they are so wrapped up in lovers lane that it gets kind of annoying. Meghan seems nice, I actually invited her to come over later to watch movies and do our nails. Which reminds me I have to text Cassie to see if we are still on for tomorrow night. Kyle has an away game in Delaware so the whole gang minus Ro is going up to cheer him on. I figured Cassie would want to go and maybe see her brother again. Gah the bell is about to ring so I must be going to English now.. By the way Mr. Grey showed me a picture of their little peanut and she looks amazing. She better have his eyes with his dark hair, everything else can be his wife's.
I have tried to call him, text him, email him, tweet him, face book him and I even called his parents house. He won't talk to me and well his mom hasn't seen him for the past two days. I am so worried about him and our friendship. Somethings are going down here in my house and I really just want to talk to Ro. He gets me like no one else does and he always cheers me up some how. I don't know why he is taking this whole Kyle thing to heart. Its really confusing to me because not too long ago he was hanging all over Cherie and that didn't get me all jealous. Now that I mention Kyle and all of a sudden Ro decides he wants us to take things slow and date again.
Speaking of Kyle, I really like him a lot and since Ro isn't around well I've been hanging out with Kyle a bit more. Like the other day I went to one of Kyles Rugby games, it was freezing but still I had fun seeing him get all sweaty. He looked really good in the uniform. I like that Kyle and I are only kissing and holding hands. He doesn't make me feel pressured to do anything else and maybe that's because he doesn't want to do anything else. We've talked about things and he is all for taking things slow. I mean I am in no rush to lose my virginity but at times when we're all making out I feel like I could. I guess he just gets me all hot and bothered but then again I get all creeped out about the whole sex thing. I mean everyone, and I mean EVERYONE says it sucks the first time. It's not enjoyable for the girl at all and really it takes a few times to get used to it. So why in the world would I want to do something that isn't enjoyable and makes me bleed? Pssh I bleed for a few days once a month and that is enough.
Anyways Kyle introduced me to some of his friends who are really cool. I mean I don't know them really but they seemed nice. It's kind of weird going to school now that I don't really talk to anyone. I mean I talk to Peter and Meghan but they are so wrapped up in lovers lane that it gets kind of annoying. Meghan seems nice, I actually invited her to come over later to watch movies and do our nails. Which reminds me I have to text Cassie to see if we are still on for tomorrow night. Kyle has an away game in Delaware so the whole gang minus Ro is going up to cheer him on. I figured Cassie would want to go and maybe see her brother again. Gah the bell is about to ring so I must be going to English now.. By the way Mr. Grey showed me a picture of their little peanut and she looks amazing. She better have his eyes with his dark hair, everything else can be his wife's.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee I love so much
Okay so here is what has been happening in my world lately.
Ro is not over me, its completely obvious. We had this twitter battle or whatever after he tried to kiss me. Like I just don't get it he doesn't show interest for two months then Kyle walks into my life and BAM Ro wants me again. I seriously can't take this anymore. I mean don't get me wrong I love Ro but things between us never work out, ever.
So I talked to a friend about it, an outside party, someone who doesn't know anyone in my life. It felt great to just vent and this person gave me the best advice "Go with your gut feeling, what does your instinct tell you?"
Well my gut and I had a conversation. It wasn't that long because I think I knew all along what it was saying. See if I really wanted to be with Ro I would of let him kiss me right? Right. The fact that I didn't means that I don't really want to be with RO. Atleast not right now. What ever it is that Kyle is doing I am absolutely loving it. I mean I am crushing on him hardcore. We talk a whole bunch, we meet up at the coffee shop as often as we can and well it's been fun getting to know someone. We have only kissed and held hands and I really like that. There is no pressure to do anything than just enjoy each others company.
See with Ro I feel like I have to be as cool as he is and sometimes that gets overwhelming. Like when its just Ro and I hanging out its perfect. When there are other people involved its like I can't be myself. I feel like I kind of embarrass him or he ends up getting jealous. Sometimes he even disappears for a bit when we hang out. I just don't know if I can trust him with my heart right now. So I choose Kyle and when I told RO this he freaked out on me. I know I crushed his feelings a bit but seriously we have been doing this dance since we were ten years old. I think we need a break, we need to date other people and I think or atleast I hope this will save our friendship. I haven't hung out with Ro in a few days and to be honest I kind of miss him. I mean how do you go from seeing someone every single day to not seeing them at all. I just hope we can make it through this little rough patch because well I don't want to lose my best friend.
Alright guys I have to go do my homework I haven't done any of it at all this weekend.. Laters -_-
Ro is not over me, its completely obvious. We had this twitter battle or whatever after he tried to kiss me. Like I just don't get it he doesn't show interest for two months then Kyle walks into my life and BAM Ro wants me again. I seriously can't take this anymore. I mean don't get me wrong I love Ro but things between us never work out, ever.
So I talked to a friend about it, an outside party, someone who doesn't know anyone in my life. It felt great to just vent and this person gave me the best advice "Go with your gut feeling, what does your instinct tell you?"
Well my gut and I had a conversation. It wasn't that long because I think I knew all along what it was saying. See if I really wanted to be with Ro I would of let him kiss me right? Right. The fact that I didn't means that I don't really want to be with RO. Atleast not right now. What ever it is that Kyle is doing I am absolutely loving it. I mean I am crushing on him hardcore. We talk a whole bunch, we meet up at the coffee shop as often as we can and well it's been fun getting to know someone. We have only kissed and held hands and I really like that. There is no pressure to do anything than just enjoy each others company.
See with Ro I feel like I have to be as cool as he is and sometimes that gets overwhelming. Like when its just Ro and I hanging out its perfect. When there are other people involved its like I can't be myself. I feel like I kind of embarrass him or he ends up getting jealous. Sometimes he even disappears for a bit when we hang out. I just don't know if I can trust him with my heart right now. So I choose Kyle and when I told RO this he freaked out on me. I know I crushed his feelings a bit but seriously we have been doing this dance since we were ten years old. I think we need a break, we need to date other people and I think or atleast I hope this will save our friendship. I haven't hung out with Ro in a few days and to be honest I kind of miss him. I mean how do you go from seeing someone every single day to not seeing them at all. I just hope we can make it through this little rough patch because well I don't want to lose my best friend.
Alright guys I have to go do my homework I haven't done any of it at all this weekend.. Laters -_-
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Pillow Talk
Lately things have been weird between RO and I. Somethings happened earlier this week that I just don't know how to take. See all this week I have been going to school, going to detention like I am supposed to and because of the weather Ro has picked me up everyday. Well except today because Mom picked me up to take me to get a new dress for the dance next weekend.
Okay so I had this weird dream about two days ago, well more like creepy nightmare-ish dream. I have had this dream before from time to time as a child but it hasn't happened in a long while. So The dream is of me sleeping in my old room and it's a younger me. I would say I am about 7 years old in the dream, which is around the time I first had the dream. So there I am sleeping in my bed and its sort of like I am having an out of body experience. Like I can see myself sleeping from a distance but at the same time I am feeling everything that is happening. Like I can feel the sheets on my body keeping me warm and the wind coming off of my ceiling fan across my face. All of a sudden I see this dark figure outside of my window. It looks in and some how opens the window. It starts to slink itself into my room and while this is going on I feel myself tense. Now I am trying to scream wake up, trying to move around the room but I can't talk or move. All I can do is watch this creepy black figure just float into the room. It stops just over my bed, hovering, watching and waiting. It stays there for a little while and then it starts to reach out towards younger me sleeping. I can see my breathing getting heavier and more erratic like I am having a nightmare. Then the figure starts to drop lower on top of my body and I try really hard to move, to scream , to do anything but I can't. I can only sit there and watch what happens. The figure just stays on top of me, I have no clue what it is doing but I can feel it touching me all over, breathing on me or at least I think it's breathing on me. All of a sudden it stops and pulls away from my body. It hovers for a little and then starts to leave my room through my bedroom door. Before I go to follow it I look back at my younger self and see tears welled in my eyes. I start to go out of the room after the figure and realize that I can finally move. I try to go back to my younger self but there is something pulling me outside of the room. So I go in the only direction I am allowed. I see the figure peek into my brothers room and then keeps on down the hallway to my parents room. I try to catch up a bit but stop to look into my brothers room to see what the figure was looking at. My brother is quietly sleeping away in his crib and I hear the door to my parents room shut. I start to race down the hall to get to the door but I can't open my parents room. Then I hear my brother start to cry and when I look back my younger self is in the hallway running to my brother. I go back to my brothers room and see my younger self climb into the crib with my brother and he instantly stops crying. I look back out into the hall and see the door open I start to freak and then WHAM I am waking up to my alarm clock. It was the craziest dream and to top it off I had tears in my eyes when I woke up. I have no clue what it means what-so-ever but I did talk to RO about it.
When I talked to him about it he freaked out on me. Saying that I must of went through something traumatic when I was younger and that I was hiding it. That I need to face my demons because they could eat you alive. The thing is I don't ever remember anything bad happening to me at the age of 7. I mean bad stuff didn't happen to me until I was 10 when one of my good friends died. Ro and I were pretty torn up about Ronnie for a while, he was one of our best buds. I still see his sister around sometimes and Ronnie's parents. RO and I actually go to Ronnie's grave every year on his birthday to sit and chat like old times.
The thing that happened with RO happened later on that night when he came over freaking out about his dad. We were talking about things just sitting outside on his car smoking a Cig and he just started talking psycho-babble.
He brought up California again. I just don't see what's so great about California we have never been there and I mean I can't just pick up to go there without knowing where I am going to live. I just don't know what he is thinking about. Here's how the converation went down
Ro: Dude he is just a fecking ass muncher seriously! Sometimes I wonder what the hell my mom sees in him. I mean he doesn't treat her well at all and well you know how he treats me.
Me: Ro, its all good you only have a few more years to deal. I mean your lucky your 16 and all. You only have two more years and you can do whartever the hell you wants.
Ro: Yeah well its not all its cracked up to be, you know being the older one and all.
Me: I know what you mean Ro
Ro: I just wish things were different you know?
Me: Yeah, I understand you're home life sucks dude.
Ro: No I mean in other ways. My home life is whatever
Me: What do you mean?
Ro: Like we could just go Mace, Just go to Cali and soak up the sun.
Me: Oh Cali again huh? I smile then take a drag of his Cig
Ro: Come on Mace tell me you haven't thought about leaving this place and living a whole 'nother life? Some place to reinvent yourself completely..
Me: Sure I thought about it plenty Ro but I am only 14 for fecks sake.. What do you want me to do? Just pick my shit up and leave with you?
Ro: Yeah.. Why not?
Me: Because it's not practical that's why not.
Ro: Who gives a Feck about Practical, I 'm talking about dreams and starting over. A fecking second chance at happiness.
Me: I understand your not happy here because of family but I'm family too..
Ro looks at me and studies my face for something. He takes a drag and inhales deeply. He looks up to the sky holding in the smoke and looks away to blow it slowly. God he looks so good in his dark jeans and black t-shirt with his gray hoodie and black leather jacket over. His lips look extremely good tonight and the look in his eyes says he needs some saving. Lord knows I want to save Ro the most out of anyone in this world but I know I can't deep down inside. I know the only person that can save him is himself, not me or California, only Ro.
Ro: What are you thinking Mace?
Me: How your hogging that Cig! I crack a smile, he smiles back and it reaches his eyes. God I love that smile.
Ro: Lets finish this and get inside, its fecking freezing and my balls are not happy about it.
Me: What balls? We start to laugh together.
Shit is so confusing. He wants me to go away with him to sunny California and trust me I want to go with him. It's just that I want to see what life holds for me here and part of me is so fecking scared. I can handle day trips to Delaware or new york city but living a life in California freaks me out. I mean yeah sure Ro and I are best friends but sometimes he can be so mean. Sometimes he just turns into this whole other person and I don't know if I could handle being in Cali by myself when he acts like that. What if we live together and one day he freaks out on me and kicks me out. What am I to do then? Where am I to go ? Not to mention my parents would be livid if they knew I ran away to be with Ro in Cali. For now I think I am going to stay here where its safe and try this thing out with Kyle.
Kyle and I have been getting along pretty well. He came over last night, Peter dropped him off on his way to Meghan's and we hung out until Peter picked him up. It was a wonderful time. We just sat in my room talked about family, our likes and dislikes. We danced around to some Vampire Weekend which is one of his favorite bands. I almost died when I heard him say that in his little Irish accent. I was deathly jealous when he said he saw them one summer while over in Europe visiting family. He actually wants me to go with him this summer over there but I have to get a passport and ask my parents. We made out some which Kyle is a phenomenal kisser. I could just kiss that boy all day. Not to mention he gives me the craziest butterflies I have ever gotten in my life. I had a great time with him but the thing with Ro kept bothering me. So I have to talk to Ro soon to get this shit out in the open, you know my fears and my frustrations.
Okay so I had this weird dream about two days ago, well more like creepy nightmare-ish dream. I have had this dream before from time to time as a child but it hasn't happened in a long while. So The dream is of me sleeping in my old room and it's a younger me. I would say I am about 7 years old in the dream, which is around the time I first had the dream. So there I am sleeping in my bed and its sort of like I am having an out of body experience. Like I can see myself sleeping from a distance but at the same time I am feeling everything that is happening. Like I can feel the sheets on my body keeping me warm and the wind coming off of my ceiling fan across my face. All of a sudden I see this dark figure outside of my window. It looks in and some how opens the window. It starts to slink itself into my room and while this is going on I feel myself tense. Now I am trying to scream wake up, trying to move around the room but I can't talk or move. All I can do is watch this creepy black figure just float into the room. It stops just over my bed, hovering, watching and waiting. It stays there for a little while and then it starts to reach out towards younger me sleeping. I can see my breathing getting heavier and more erratic like I am having a nightmare. Then the figure starts to drop lower on top of my body and I try really hard to move, to scream , to do anything but I can't. I can only sit there and watch what happens. The figure just stays on top of me, I have no clue what it is doing but I can feel it touching me all over, breathing on me or at least I think it's breathing on me. All of a sudden it stops and pulls away from my body. It hovers for a little and then starts to leave my room through my bedroom door. Before I go to follow it I look back at my younger self and see tears welled in my eyes. I start to go out of the room after the figure and realize that I can finally move. I try to go back to my younger self but there is something pulling me outside of the room. So I go in the only direction I am allowed. I see the figure peek into my brothers room and then keeps on down the hallway to my parents room. I try to catch up a bit but stop to look into my brothers room to see what the figure was looking at. My brother is quietly sleeping away in his crib and I hear the door to my parents room shut. I start to race down the hall to get to the door but I can't open my parents room. Then I hear my brother start to cry and when I look back my younger self is in the hallway running to my brother. I go back to my brothers room and see my younger self climb into the crib with my brother and he instantly stops crying. I look back out into the hall and see the door open I start to freak and then WHAM I am waking up to my alarm clock. It was the craziest dream and to top it off I had tears in my eyes when I woke up. I have no clue what it means what-so-ever but I did talk to RO about it.
When I talked to him about it he freaked out on me. Saying that I must of went through something traumatic when I was younger and that I was hiding it. That I need to face my demons because they could eat you alive. The thing is I don't ever remember anything bad happening to me at the age of 7. I mean bad stuff didn't happen to me until I was 10 when one of my good friends died. Ro and I were pretty torn up about Ronnie for a while, he was one of our best buds. I still see his sister around sometimes and Ronnie's parents. RO and I actually go to Ronnie's grave every year on his birthday to sit and chat like old times.
The thing that happened with RO happened later on that night when he came over freaking out about his dad. We were talking about things just sitting outside on his car smoking a Cig and he just started talking psycho-babble.
He brought up California again. I just don't see what's so great about California we have never been there and I mean I can't just pick up to go there without knowing where I am going to live. I just don't know what he is thinking about. Here's how the converation went down
Ro: Dude he is just a fecking ass muncher seriously! Sometimes I wonder what the hell my mom sees in him. I mean he doesn't treat her well at all and well you know how he treats me.
Me: Ro, its all good you only have a few more years to deal. I mean your lucky your 16 and all. You only have two more years and you can do whartever the hell you wants.
Ro: Yeah well its not all its cracked up to be, you know being the older one and all.
Me: I know what you mean Ro
Ro: I just wish things were different you know?
Me: Yeah, I understand you're home life sucks dude.
Ro: No I mean in other ways. My home life is whatever
Me: What do you mean?
Ro: Like we could just go Mace, Just go to Cali and soak up the sun.
Me: Oh Cali again huh? I smile then take a drag of his Cig
Ro: Come on Mace tell me you haven't thought about leaving this place and living a whole 'nother life? Some place to reinvent yourself completely..
Me: Sure I thought about it plenty Ro but I am only 14 for fecks sake.. What do you want me to do? Just pick my shit up and leave with you?
Ro: Yeah.. Why not?
Me: Because it's not practical that's why not.
Ro: Who gives a Feck about Practical, I 'm talking about dreams and starting over. A fecking second chance at happiness.
Me: I understand your not happy here because of family but I'm family too..
Ro looks at me and studies my face for something. He takes a drag and inhales deeply. He looks up to the sky holding in the smoke and looks away to blow it slowly. God he looks so good in his dark jeans and black t-shirt with his gray hoodie and black leather jacket over. His lips look extremely good tonight and the look in his eyes says he needs some saving. Lord knows I want to save Ro the most out of anyone in this world but I know I can't deep down inside. I know the only person that can save him is himself, not me or California, only Ro.
Ro: What are you thinking Mace?
Me: How your hogging that Cig! I crack a smile, he smiles back and it reaches his eyes. God I love that smile.
Ro: Lets finish this and get inside, its fecking freezing and my balls are not happy about it.
Me: What balls? We start to laugh together.
Shit is so confusing. He wants me to go away with him to sunny California and trust me I want to go with him. It's just that I want to see what life holds for me here and part of me is so fecking scared. I can handle day trips to Delaware or new york city but living a life in California freaks me out. I mean yeah sure Ro and I are best friends but sometimes he can be so mean. Sometimes he just turns into this whole other person and I don't know if I could handle being in Cali by myself when he acts like that. What if we live together and one day he freaks out on me and kicks me out. What am I to do then? Where am I to go ? Not to mention my parents would be livid if they knew I ran away to be with Ro in Cali. For now I think I am going to stay here where its safe and try this thing out with Kyle.
Kyle and I have been getting along pretty well. He came over last night, Peter dropped him off on his way to Meghan's and we hung out until Peter picked him up. It was a wonderful time. We just sat in my room talked about family, our likes and dislikes. We danced around to some Vampire Weekend which is one of his favorite bands. I almost died when I heard him say that in his little Irish accent. I was deathly jealous when he said he saw them one summer while over in Europe visiting family. He actually wants me to go with him this summer over there but I have to get a passport and ask my parents. We made out some which Kyle is a phenomenal kisser. I could just kiss that boy all day. Not to mention he gives me the craziest butterflies I have ever gotten in my life. I had a great time with him but the thing with Ro kept bothering me. So I have to talk to Ro soon to get this shit out in the open, you know my fears and my frustrations.
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