So I'm pretty much a dreamer, I would totally love to travel the world and just be free, ya know? I mean who doesn't want to discover the land and find out what hidden secrets you find out about yourself?
The thing is I know it's not in the cards for me unless I'm with Ro of course, he can do anything he wants it's like no one can touch him. He just goes around doing whatever and no one questions him really. We go to parties all the time, we stay out late and as long as I'm with him it's like I'm untouchable as well.
Jacob's parents were severely disappointed in him but he got it expunged off of his record. Obviously his parents have weight (money ) and know people who know people. It was all cleared up before his school even got wind of it, lucky bastard. Ro and Jacob are the two luckiest people I have ever met in my life. They just do whatever and nothing, I mean nothing happens to them except a little slap on the wrist.
I wish it were the case for me, if my parents ever found out half the things I do.... well I don't want to think about what they'd do to me. Lets just not talk about it and say we did.. agreed? Agreed.
So back to my dreams..
I'd love to travel
I'd love to have a whirl wind romance with some hot Italian lover
I'd love to live on a vineyard or some type of farm for a short while
I'd love to wake up next to the ocean for a whole year
I'd love to own my own bakery.
Yeah I said it, a bake shop.. what of it?
I love to bake it really calms me for some reason..
Maybe it has to do with when I was younger I used to bake with my dad on my birthdays. We'd bake cupcakes, a cake, cookies and apple turnovers. No we never really ate all of it but it gave us all the reason for me to have a birthday party so all these pastries would go mom never liked leftovers.
Maybe some day my dreams will come true?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Take it slow
Shit. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Fuckkkkkk...
Everything is so messed up and it all happened in the past twenty four hours. How could he be so stupid?
Jacob was arrested last night for being drunk in public and of course the cops searched him. Well what did they find on him? WEED! So now he is locked up for possesion as well! Damn it Damn it Damn it!
We were out partying it up and some how he wandered away from the party drunk as hell. The cops found him walking along side of the road a few blocks away and pulled over. Apparently he was slurring like he just had an epileptic attack so the cops knew instantly he was drunk. Now of course Jacob is of age so they were just like okay we'll drive you home, but when they saw he was from New York they knew they had a little problem. So they were just going to take him in a holding cell to just sleep it off and have someone get him in the morning, no big deal. Well Jacob started to resist getting in the car and that is when they were going to take him in, in. Then when they got to the station they checked his pockets and BINGO the weed was found! So now they really had to take him in for possession. So now Jacob is in the slammer and he had to call his parents to come bail him out. I just have a feeling they are going to know it was me and Ro involved some how. I mean he came to sleep over Ro's place last night we were just supposed to hang out till about 1 at some party and then peace out, have a nice time out. Jacob obviously pushed it too far and now he's in big trouble. I just don't know what this is going to do with him being in school to be a lawyer? I mean do you get kicked out because you were arrested for possession? Ugh, I just feel horrible :(
Everything is so messed up and it all happened in the past twenty four hours. How could he be so stupid?
Jacob was arrested last night for being drunk in public and of course the cops searched him. Well what did they find on him? WEED! So now he is locked up for possesion as well! Damn it Damn it Damn it!
We were out partying it up and some how he wandered away from the party drunk as hell. The cops found him walking along side of the road a few blocks away and pulled over. Apparently he was slurring like he just had an epileptic attack so the cops knew instantly he was drunk. Now of course Jacob is of age so they were just like okay we'll drive you home, but when they saw he was from New York they knew they had a little problem. So they were just going to take him in a holding cell to just sleep it off and have someone get him in the morning, no big deal. Well Jacob started to resist getting in the car and that is when they were going to take him in, in. Then when they got to the station they checked his pockets and BINGO the weed was found! So now they really had to take him in for possession. So now Jacob is in the slammer and he had to call his parents to come bail him out. I just have a feeling they are going to know it was me and Ro involved some how. I mean he came to sleep over Ro's place last night we were just supposed to hang out till about 1 at some party and then peace out, have a nice time out. Jacob obviously pushed it too far and now he's in big trouble. I just don't know what this is going to do with him being in school to be a lawyer? I mean do you get kicked out because you were arrested for possession? Ugh, I just feel horrible :(
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Holy Hell Guys
I am so so sorry for leaving you like this for such a very long time :(
Lets get into things |Cracks all knuckles and assumes the typing position| Takes a long Inhalation of this tabacco stick otherwise known as the cancer stick..
Okay so I no longer hang out with the same group of kids on a regular anymore well except for Cassie and Ro. I talk to Meghan in class and Peter at lunch but I don't really hang out with them. See they are so in love they do stuff on their own, every once in a blue they'll call us up to hang out but usually they keep to themselves. As for Kyle well we don't really talk at all anymore which is perfectly fine by me. I think he judges me a little with who I've become over the past few weeks.
Anyways rememeber Jacob the guy who goes to University in New York? Well he comes around a lot, Ro has been hanging out with him a ton more which means so have I. I know Jacob likes me, its pretty obvious when he's around me and Ro doesn't like it at all.
Ro and I are still on the whole friends stage, which I like way better than trying to be his girlfriend but he still gets jealous. When we go out to parties and guys hit on me I can feel him watching me like a hawk. Sometimes when he gets really drunk he tries to barge in our conversations but I don't let him intimidate anyone I'm talking to I just play it cool.
In ten days is my birthday and I am super excited because that means I am one year closer to getting my drivers license. I already talked to my parents and this summer I am going to get my permit and once school starts up again I will take driver's ed. It's after school which sucks major monkey balls but hey I want to drive so I have to do what I have to. For right now I'm content with Ro driving me around places but sometimes its gets a little tiring having to deal with him, especially since I know how he feels about me and well if I want to go some party to get my groove on I feel like I can't. Anyways it doesn't matter it's not like I lost my virginity just yet maybe 15 will be the year I lose it but then I think about it and to me that just seems slutty. I guess it will happen when it happens until then I am content with a little heavy petting :)
Alright I have got to go guys the bell is ringing! Toodles
Lets get into things |Cracks all knuckles and assumes the typing position| Takes a long Inhalation of this tabacco stick otherwise known as the cancer stick..
Okay so I no longer hang out with the same group of kids on a regular anymore well except for Cassie and Ro. I talk to Meghan in class and Peter at lunch but I don't really hang out with them. See they are so in love they do stuff on their own, every once in a blue they'll call us up to hang out but usually they keep to themselves. As for Kyle well we don't really talk at all anymore which is perfectly fine by me. I think he judges me a little with who I've become over the past few weeks.
Anyways rememeber Jacob the guy who goes to University in New York? Well he comes around a lot, Ro has been hanging out with him a ton more which means so have I. I know Jacob likes me, its pretty obvious when he's around me and Ro doesn't like it at all.
Ro and I are still on the whole friends stage, which I like way better than trying to be his girlfriend but he still gets jealous. When we go out to parties and guys hit on me I can feel him watching me like a hawk. Sometimes when he gets really drunk he tries to barge in our conversations but I don't let him intimidate anyone I'm talking to I just play it cool.
In ten days is my birthday and I am super excited because that means I am one year closer to getting my drivers license. I already talked to my parents and this summer I am going to get my permit and once school starts up again I will take driver's ed. It's after school which sucks major monkey balls but hey I want to drive so I have to do what I have to. For right now I'm content with Ro driving me around places but sometimes its gets a little tiring having to deal with him, especially since I know how he feels about me and well if I want to go some party to get my groove on I feel like I can't. Anyways it doesn't matter it's not like I lost my virginity just yet maybe 15 will be the year I lose it but then I think about it and to me that just seems slutty. I guess it will happen when it happens until then I am content with a little heavy petting :)
Alright I have got to go guys the bell is ringing! Toodles
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I'm Losing Touch
Okay so shits been crazy guys. Seriously I am so over this whole who is better than who bullshit. My Valentine's day was complete and utter bullshit.
It started out sweet when in the morning there was a single rose attached to my locker and chocolates in my locker. Of course Peter put it in there for Kyle but it was still sweet. I went through the whole day at school with a cheesy ass smile on my face. Then at 2 fucking 30 the whole thing changed with one simple text message.
Ro: Where are you? I am outside your school, I have a surprise for you :)
Ro came to surprise me with a dozen roses, a huge ass teddy bear and a bottle of wine. Seriously after all this time I have known you and this Valentine's day you actually remember! Of course Peter saw Ro giving me all the stuff and of course I get a text at 3 PM.
Kyle: We still meeting at the coffee shop today? Peter told me about RO.
So of course I made RO drive me home instantly. I also told RO I could not accept the gifts because he was not my Valentine.
Ro: Well your mine and I won't take the gifts back, so just take them.
I just rolled my eyes and decided to give my mom the Flowers and my Cousin the Teddy. As for the wine I was totally keeping that because it was my favorite wine and I really needed a damn drink. I texted Kyle back five minutes later
Me: Of Course Silly, OH yeah we need to talk about that. He's insane. I miss you , see you soon xoxo
Of course I had to reassure Kyle he was my valentine by sending him such a cute message. I get home tell RO to fuck off basically because he just pissed me off. I know he means well and is desparately trying to get my full attention but I thought we agreed to put this shit behind us and just be friends? Was I mistaken?
Anyways I get to the coffee shop around 3-20 ten minutes before we were supposed to meet. Turns out Kyle was already there and he was talking to Denise! So I walk in and decide that this better be absolutely fucking good. I walk over non-chalantly, kiss kyle on the cheek and sit down next to him. I smile at Denise, she looked pissed off and Kyle looks worried.
Kyle: Hey beautiful, how was school?
Me: It was awesome until I got out of School.
Kyle: Oh yeah, how did that go?
Me: Oh I have to tell you everything later on. I look over to Denise So... What's up I say directed at Denise. Wondering what the fuck this bitch was doing talking to my man at the coffee shop.
Denise: Oh just saying hi.
Me: Oh okay
Kyle: Uh it was lovely running into you Denise but we need to talk about some things in private, do you mind?
She looked shocked that he asked her to leave, like she expected to stay and then she just settled for a half smile and got up. Once she walked out of the coffee shop I inistantly turned to Kyle, waiting for the beautiful explaination on how she was begging for his forgiveness and mine.
Kyle: Uh, I just ran into her.
I scrutinize him even more, not saying a word but saying everything with my look
Kyle: Look I know she isn't your friend but I cannot be not nice to someone.
I give him a look like he is ludicrous for not having my back and hating her as much as I do. Who gives a fuck about manners, she's my enemy, fucking hate her with me or don't be with me.
Kyle: Say something please ?
Me: I'm sorry but I don't understand your logic.
Kyle: What?
Me: How can you not be mean to her?
Kyle: Listen I know you don't like her but she didn't do anything to me. I feel sorta bad for the girl
Me: What!
Kyle; the poor girl has no friends and well you punched her in the face
Me: She deserved it!
Kyle: Well no, not really, no one deserves to get punched.
Me: Are you FUCKING serious right now? She spit in my face!
Kyle; Well I think you should of been the bigger person and just walked away!
Me: Wow, just wow!
Kyle: Wow what?
Me: Had you told me this when things went down instead of I dunno, rushing to my side, things would of turned out differently
Kyle: OH Like how? You'd be with Ro right now instead of me?
Me: OH wow that's a low blow!
Kyle: It's the truth!
Me: No IT IS NOT! You fucking bastard to think I was going to tell you I loved you today. To think that I thought we could have a nice Valentine's day!
Kyle: Wait.. what did you say? Love ?
Me: And now, now you've gone and ruined the whole thing by thinking its okay to talk to Denise! Then you tell me I was wrong?!
Kyle: Wait slow down
Me: No , No I won't slow down. I am uberly pissed right now! I am leaving !
I grabbed my bag and high tailed out of that stupid Fucking Coffee Shop! Kyle was chasing after me calling out my name Mace, yelling at me to stop
-Wait Please stop! Come back we can talk about this ! Please ..
Me: I don't want to talk to you right now! Just leave me the fuck alone Kyle... I turn around and take his Valentine's day present. It's a painting of us together in Delaware on the beach. I throw it at him and storm off ..
Me: Happy fucking valentine's day Prick!
Kyle: Mace!!
Kyle called and texted me a bunch. Ro tried to call me to but I didn't want to see or talk to either of them. Meghan called me, left a message asking if I was okay and that she was worried. I am sure Kyle talked to Peter who then talked to Meghan who then called me to try to get me to talk to Kyle..
In school Peter tried to talk about the whole thing but I told him that I didn't feel like talking to him and that it's best if he didn't mention it for a while. I told Meghan I had to re-think some things. I bet Denise had a field day hearing about us storming out of the Coffee shop, she probably smirked all the way home thinking of how she ruined my relationship! What a CUNT!
I talked to Mr. Grey the other day about the whole thing and he said he understood. Then he told me I overreacted a bit but it was perfectly normal. He talked some sense into me and well I ended up texting Kyle to meet me at the park today.
We met up earlier today and we talked about everything. I told him I needed some space that this whole situation made me realize we really don't know each other that well.
Kyle: So what does this mean exactly? Are you not my girlfriend?
Me: I didn't know you considered me to be your girlfriend .
Kyle: Well I mean we've been hanging out almost every day, we make out a lot, we go on mini weekend trips together and well I would call that dating, no?
Me: Yeah well dating but you never officially asked me to be your girlfriend. Not that I think it's a good choice right now though.
Kyle: why is that?
Me: Well I mean after that blow up on Monday
Kyle: That was just a misunderstanding.
Me: No Kyle, it wasn't 'just a misunderstanding' It meant a lot to me that you would do that
Kyle: do what? Be nice to someone?
Me: NO, not just anyone, Her.
Kyle: Oh So because it was Denise it's a problem.. ?
Me: yeah, I mean She tried to pull us apart by telling you lies in the beginning. Then she spit in my face because she thought I was a traitor. She lied to her dad about me and to the school. She spread nasty rumors that I was prego with Ro's baby! She has done so many other things before you even came into my life and .. And
Kyle: But she did that all to you! Not me!
Me: you don't get it Kyle. She messed up my life for a very long time. She brought unneccesary drama
Kyle: oh like this isn't?
Me: Your a real piece of work Kyle, Look if someone hurt you, I would hate them. I couldn't stand there and be nice to them for manners sake. I would treat them like they were a disease because that's how much I care about you. Thats How much you MEAN to me! Obviously I don't mean that much to you. If you don't get this, then we can't work, do you understand that? It's either me as your girl or her as your friend.
Kyle: This is so juvenile why make me choose? I would never ask you to dislike someone I don't like!
Me: what is the matter with you? Why are you defending her so much? Are you two an item or something?
Kyle: No I'm with you
Me: and what? If we weren't together you'd be with her?
He gave me this distant look, like he couldn't believe I just said that to him. He stood quiet and that was answer enough. I started to feel tears coming..
Me: Look just forget this ever happened okay.
Kyle: wait what?
Me: You and me are through kyle. ...
Kyle: Wait what just happened?
Me: Just drop it okay as I turned to walk away he grabbed my arm
Kyle: Why are you leaving?
Me: You didn't answer me
Kyle: What?
Me: You didn't answer me!
Kyle: You didn't ask a question
Me; Yes I fucking did,
Kyle; No you didn't
Me: Jesus Fucking Christ, I asked that if you weren't with me would you be with Denise, then you gave me this look like I hit a nail on the fucking head and didn't answer my goddamn question.
Kyle: because there was no reason to, I would never be with her
Me: Ha! Now your lying! You didn't answer me, you said nothing and that is answer enough
Kyle: SO because I didn't answer your stupid question we're done?
Me: No its not that, its when you said the RO comment I answered you, I defended myself and how I felt about you, about US! You didn't say a fucking peep!
Kyle: OH BULLSHIT! You fucking stormed out of the damn coffee shop! Probably to go run to him!
Me: HOW THE FUCK DARE YO-
Kyle: Yeah How the fuck dare I say the fucking truth!
Me: No, Not the truth, a fucking lie! I didn't talk to anyone, I went home and cried my eyes out Kyle! I didn't eat, sleep or speak to anyone for three whole fucking days!
He just looked at me like he didn't know what to do because I started to scream and cry.
Me: You are such an idiot and one day you will regret ever hurting me like this ... Fuck you Kyle
And I just left. I left him standing there at the top of the hill. I left my heart and my soul on that hill today. I came home and cried for two whole hours. Just now I got up to write it all out, to tell everything to you. Kyle and I are done, Denise can have him for all I care. I think I am just going to stay single and have fun. Tomorrow is Friday and I am going to hang out with Cassie. We are going to the mall and then some party her brother's friend from home is throwing in Cassie's brothers honor. Apparently he got this internship he's been wanting. So maybe that should be fun and then Saturday I think Cassie and I are going to take a trip into the city and just go to the museum maybe meet some new people. I am going to take this heart ache by the balls and just get over it. I really enjoyed Kyle but now I realize I was falling for someone I hardly knew, I was falling in love with the idea of being with someone new. As for RO I haven't decided when I will talk to him. He's been messaging me for the past few days of Sorrys and how much he misses me. I seriously think we should date other people, I won't let this Kyle thing be a set back. I have school tomorrow and I really just want to stop typing. So ta-ta motha suckahs .. tomorrow is Friday, thank the heavens!
It started out sweet when in the morning there was a single rose attached to my locker and chocolates in my locker. Of course Peter put it in there for Kyle but it was still sweet. I went through the whole day at school with a cheesy ass smile on my face. Then at 2 fucking 30 the whole thing changed with one simple text message.
Ro: Where are you? I am outside your school, I have a surprise for you :)
Ro came to surprise me with a dozen roses, a huge ass teddy bear and a bottle of wine. Seriously after all this time I have known you and this Valentine's day you actually remember! Of course Peter saw Ro giving me all the stuff and of course I get a text at 3 PM.
Kyle: We still meeting at the coffee shop today? Peter told me about RO.
So of course I made RO drive me home instantly. I also told RO I could not accept the gifts because he was not my Valentine.
Ro: Well your mine and I won't take the gifts back, so just take them.
I just rolled my eyes and decided to give my mom the Flowers and my Cousin the Teddy. As for the wine I was totally keeping that because it was my favorite wine and I really needed a damn drink. I texted Kyle back five minutes later
Me: Of Course Silly, OH yeah we need to talk about that. He's insane. I miss you , see you soon xoxo
Of course I had to reassure Kyle he was my valentine by sending him such a cute message. I get home tell RO to fuck off basically because he just pissed me off. I know he means well and is desparately trying to get my full attention but I thought we agreed to put this shit behind us and just be friends? Was I mistaken?
Anyways I get to the coffee shop around 3-20 ten minutes before we were supposed to meet. Turns out Kyle was already there and he was talking to Denise! So I walk in and decide that this better be absolutely fucking good. I walk over non-chalantly, kiss kyle on the cheek and sit down next to him. I smile at Denise, she looked pissed off and Kyle looks worried.
Kyle: Hey beautiful, how was school?
Me: It was awesome until I got out of School.
Kyle: Oh yeah, how did that go?
Me: Oh I have to tell you everything later on. I look over to Denise So... What's up I say directed at Denise. Wondering what the fuck this bitch was doing talking to my man at the coffee shop.
Denise: Oh just saying hi.
Me: Oh okay
Kyle: Uh it was lovely running into you Denise but we need to talk about some things in private, do you mind?
She looked shocked that he asked her to leave, like she expected to stay and then she just settled for a half smile and got up. Once she walked out of the coffee shop I inistantly turned to Kyle, waiting for the beautiful explaination on how she was begging for his forgiveness and mine.
Kyle: Uh, I just ran into her.
I scrutinize him even more, not saying a word but saying everything with my look
Kyle: Look I know she isn't your friend but I cannot be not nice to someone.
I give him a look like he is ludicrous for not having my back and hating her as much as I do. Who gives a fuck about manners, she's my enemy, fucking hate her with me or don't be with me.
Kyle: Say something please ?
Me: I'm sorry but I don't understand your logic.
Kyle: What?
Me: How can you not be mean to her?
Kyle: Listen I know you don't like her but she didn't do anything to me. I feel sorta bad for the girl
Me: What!
Kyle; the poor girl has no friends and well you punched her in the face
Me: She deserved it!
Kyle: Well no, not really, no one deserves to get punched.
Me: Are you FUCKING serious right now? She spit in my face!
Kyle; Well I think you should of been the bigger person and just walked away!
Me: Wow, just wow!
Kyle: Wow what?
Me: Had you told me this when things went down instead of I dunno, rushing to my side, things would of turned out differently
Kyle: OH Like how? You'd be with Ro right now instead of me?
Me: OH wow that's a low blow!
Kyle: It's the truth!
Me: No IT IS NOT! You fucking bastard to think I was going to tell you I loved you today. To think that I thought we could have a nice Valentine's day!
Kyle: Wait.. what did you say? Love ?
Me: And now, now you've gone and ruined the whole thing by thinking its okay to talk to Denise! Then you tell me I was wrong?!
Kyle: Wait slow down
Me: No , No I won't slow down. I am uberly pissed right now! I am leaving !
I grabbed my bag and high tailed out of that stupid Fucking Coffee Shop! Kyle was chasing after me calling out my name Mace, yelling at me to stop
-Wait Please stop! Come back we can talk about this ! Please ..
Me: I don't want to talk to you right now! Just leave me the fuck alone Kyle... I turn around and take his Valentine's day present. It's a painting of us together in Delaware on the beach. I throw it at him and storm off ..
Me: Happy fucking valentine's day Prick!
Kyle: Mace!!
Kyle called and texted me a bunch. Ro tried to call me to but I didn't want to see or talk to either of them. Meghan called me, left a message asking if I was okay and that she was worried. I am sure Kyle talked to Peter who then talked to Meghan who then called me to try to get me to talk to Kyle..
In school Peter tried to talk about the whole thing but I told him that I didn't feel like talking to him and that it's best if he didn't mention it for a while. I told Meghan I had to re-think some things. I bet Denise had a field day hearing about us storming out of the Coffee shop, she probably smirked all the way home thinking of how she ruined my relationship! What a CUNT!
I talked to Mr. Grey the other day about the whole thing and he said he understood. Then he told me I overreacted a bit but it was perfectly normal. He talked some sense into me and well I ended up texting Kyle to meet me at the park today.
We met up earlier today and we talked about everything. I told him I needed some space that this whole situation made me realize we really don't know each other that well.
Kyle: So what does this mean exactly? Are you not my girlfriend?
Me: I didn't know you considered me to be your girlfriend .
Kyle: Well I mean we've been hanging out almost every day, we make out a lot, we go on mini weekend trips together and well I would call that dating, no?
Me: Yeah well dating but you never officially asked me to be your girlfriend. Not that I think it's a good choice right now though.
Kyle: why is that?
Me: Well I mean after that blow up on Monday
Kyle: That was just a misunderstanding.
Me: No Kyle, it wasn't 'just a misunderstanding' It meant a lot to me that you would do that
Kyle: do what? Be nice to someone?
Me: NO, not just anyone, Her.
Kyle: Oh So because it was Denise it's a problem.. ?
Me: yeah, I mean She tried to pull us apart by telling you lies in the beginning. Then she spit in my face because she thought I was a traitor. She lied to her dad about me and to the school. She spread nasty rumors that I was prego with Ro's baby! She has done so many other things before you even came into my life and .. And
Kyle: But she did that all to you! Not me!
Me: you don't get it Kyle. She messed up my life for a very long time. She brought unneccesary drama
Kyle: oh like this isn't?
Me: Your a real piece of work Kyle, Look if someone hurt you, I would hate them. I couldn't stand there and be nice to them for manners sake. I would treat them like they were a disease because that's how much I care about you. Thats How much you MEAN to me! Obviously I don't mean that much to you. If you don't get this, then we can't work, do you understand that? It's either me as your girl or her as your friend.
Kyle: This is so juvenile why make me choose? I would never ask you to dislike someone I don't like!
Me: what is the matter with you? Why are you defending her so much? Are you two an item or something?
Kyle: No I'm with you
Me: and what? If we weren't together you'd be with her?
He gave me this distant look, like he couldn't believe I just said that to him. He stood quiet and that was answer enough. I started to feel tears coming..
Me: Look just forget this ever happened okay.
Kyle: wait what?
Me: You and me are through kyle. ...
Kyle: Wait what just happened?
Me: Just drop it okay as I turned to walk away he grabbed my arm
Kyle: Why are you leaving?
Me: You didn't answer me
Kyle: What?
Me: You didn't answer me!
Kyle: You didn't ask a question
Me; Yes I fucking did,
Kyle; No you didn't
Me: Jesus Fucking Christ, I asked that if you weren't with me would you be with Denise, then you gave me this look like I hit a nail on the fucking head and didn't answer my goddamn question.
Kyle: because there was no reason to, I would never be with her
Me: Ha! Now your lying! You didn't answer me, you said nothing and that is answer enough
Kyle: SO because I didn't answer your stupid question we're done?
Me: No its not that, its when you said the RO comment I answered you, I defended myself and how I felt about you, about US! You didn't say a fucking peep!
Kyle: OH BULLSHIT! You fucking stormed out of the damn coffee shop! Probably to go run to him!
Me: HOW THE FUCK DARE YO-
Kyle: Yeah How the fuck dare I say the fucking truth!
Me: No, Not the truth, a fucking lie! I didn't talk to anyone, I went home and cried my eyes out Kyle! I didn't eat, sleep or speak to anyone for three whole fucking days!
He just looked at me like he didn't know what to do because I started to scream and cry.
Me: You are such an idiot and one day you will regret ever hurting me like this ... Fuck you Kyle
And I just left. I left him standing there at the top of the hill. I left my heart and my soul on that hill today. I came home and cried for two whole hours. Just now I got up to write it all out, to tell everything to you. Kyle and I are done, Denise can have him for all I care. I think I am just going to stay single and have fun. Tomorrow is Friday and I am going to hang out with Cassie. We are going to the mall and then some party her brother's friend from home is throwing in Cassie's brothers honor. Apparently he got this internship he's been wanting. So maybe that should be fun and then Saturday I think Cassie and I are going to take a trip into the city and just go to the museum maybe meet some new people. I am going to take this heart ache by the balls and just get over it. I really enjoyed Kyle but now I realize I was falling for someone I hardly knew, I was falling in love with the idea of being with someone new. As for RO I haven't decided when I will talk to him. He's been messaging me for the past few days of Sorrys and how much he misses me. I seriously think we should date other people, I won't let this Kyle thing be a set back. I have school tomorrow and I really just want to stop typing. So ta-ta motha suckahs .. tomorrow is Friday, thank the heavens!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Turn it around and make it all right
Okay so I am in Delaware with the gang, just having a good time and well I decided to sneak away. It has been driving me crazy being here and having Ro's words stuck in my head. I just don't know what to do because I think I am falling for Kyle but I keep hearing Ro in the back of my mind. It's like he's stuck in my head. I mean I wasn't thinking this way before this whole fight thing, maybe it's because he finally said the words I have been wanting him to say to me for so long.
He came over the other night and we just talked under the streetlight in his car.
He called, my heart skipped a beat, he told me we needed to talk face to face. I agreed of course. We hung up and I had fifteen minutes to get myself together. I ran around my room with butterflies in my stomach thinking of what to wear, how I look, if I smelled good and mostly how happy I was that he called me. I decided to wear my favorite band shirt with some jeans and my comfiest skate shoes. I threw on a hoodie on top and sprayed myself with Juniper Breeze, his favorite scent on me. I touched up my eye liner, put on my penny necklace he made me and combed out my hair a little. He called me to tell me he was waiting for me and I said I would be out in a second. I turn off my computer, check myself once again, decide this is as good as it gets and then run out to meet him.
My heart is racing, thudding so hard I can hear my own breathing and my steps on the ground make loud crunching noises. I check to see if parents light is on, it's off, say a silent prayer and keep walking towards his car. He gets out and I smile, he smiles back. He walks around to open my door like always. He smells really good, has on a black and red checkered shirt with a black shirt under neath, dark jeans and white sneakers. His hair is hanging a bit over his eyes making him look like Adam Lazzara from Taking Back Sunday. I slip into the seat and he shuts the door. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in and he opens his door, slips in and drives off. Our favorite band is playing through the radio and neither one of us is saying anything. We stay quiet, both afraid to speak, palms sweaty, heart racing and then our favorite song comes on. We both reach over at the same moment to turn it up, we look at each other and smile, let out a nervous laugh.I think to myself God why am I so nervous? Get a grip he's your best friend, what is this a first fucking date? Talk to him idiot! Say something..
Of course I don't say a thing, because I don't need to fill in the silence with Ro. We finally get to the park and park under a street light. He keeps the car on to keep us warm. He turns to me and I instantly know that now we have to talk, now we have to let it all out.
Ro: So.. How are things?
Me: Things are good.. I've missed you. I smile nervously hoping he missed me too.
Ro: Yeah I've missed you too. He smiles back reassuringly
Me: So where ya been?
Ro: I was with Jacob for a while.
Me: Ack! The creeper?
Ro: Yeah He smiles
Me: So how was NYC?
Ro: It was cool for a little while.
Me: Yeah, well your mom misses you, have you been home?
Ro: Looks out the window Yeah I've been home, she wasn't there.
Me: Oh
Ro: So ..
Me: Just spit it out Ro, you can tell me anything I give him wide eyes hoping that it isn't going to be bad news.
He smiles and then lightly presses his nuckles to the steering wheel.
Ro: You really know how to get to the point huh?
Me: Yup! I smile at him. Come on Ro, I don't like fighting with you or not talking to you, so tell me what's up I lightly punch him in the shoulder, you know the friendly ones you see in movies.
Ro: You know why, I told you before I left what was up.
Me: You mean to tell me after our last conversation you just decided to leave and not talk to me for a few days?
Ro: Well what do you expect? I mean I am so in love with you it's not even healthy.
Me: What?
Ro: Oh like you don't know.
Me: Ro I never knew you were in love with me. I mean I just thought we were two friends who were so close that we tried to make a relationship work. I never knew that there was love involved in this besides the love I already have for you as a friend.
He looks like I just crushed him but still I can see he won't give up without telling me everything.
Ro: Mace, I am so in love with you. Always have been. I think I first realized how much I loved you when we were kids. It was the day I walked by that stupid machine with that stupid Polar bear watch. I saw it and thought of you. I then thought about how mean I was and I instantly knew I had to make it better. I was 12 years old when I realized I loved you Mace.
Me: Well you have a funny way of showing it! I mean what about all the shit you put me through in our failed attempts?
Ro: Listen Mace, I know I messed up those times but all I am asking for is one more chance. I just can't stand seeing you hold his hand. I can't stand watching you smile at him the way you used to smile at me.
Me: And how do I smile?
Ro: The smile reaches your eyes. You look so happy like nothing could touch you. You can just see the love in your eyes and you now give him that smile. I used to get that smile. He looks at me, scrutinizing me waiting to see my reaction to what he is saying. I want him to stop staring at me. I want him to just look away. God the look in his eyes just make me want to cry and tell him all the things he wants to hear.
Me: Ro, I do love you. I mean I don't know if I am in love with you anymore. He stares at me to see if I am lying. He is reading every line in my face, watching , waiting, hoping to pick something out to let him know I am lying. I just thought you never felt the same way so I tried to move on. Kyle was there when I made that decision and I like him I really do. I don't know if I love him. I just know that for right now he is who I choose. I hope that doesn't make you not want to be my friend. I mean we've been friends since I was ten.
Ro: Mace, I don't not want you in my life. I need you in my life. Who else will be there for me at 3 in the morning when my whole world is falling apart? I mean it sucks that I waited this long to tell you I love you. It sucks that I did those things to you. I don't deserve you Mace, but I still want you. Just know I will always want you.
Me: That's sweet Ro. Who knows maybe one day our lives will work out that we do end up together. But for now I think we should date other people to see if this is truly love. I mean I am only 14 I don't want to decide my life right now. Do you really want to decide your life at 16?
Ro: If it involves you in it, yes.
I stood quiet I didn't know how to take that. He was being so open, so raw and just let it all out. He was definitely wearing his heart on his sleeve and I was ruining it. I didn't want to be the one to break him, I didn't want to be that girl.
We talked a bit more but then it got a little late for me. I had a test I needed to be fresh for , so we went back to my house. He asked if he could spend the night and I said of course. We went to my room, I changed into my pjs, gave him some comfy pants to wear. He kept his shirt off as usual. I put on some music and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I couldn't believe everything that happened that night. I didn't want to go back out there to my room to see him. I had to, Ro is my best friend and I owe it to him to keep it that way. So I came out we took our sides of the bed and I turned off the lights. I couldn't sleep but I stayed really still like I was sleeping. There was so much to think about. When Ro thought I was asleep, he moved closer to me and cuddled me. He then kissed my inner neck and whispered me loved me. He then touched my hair and fell asleep. I thought it was the cutest thing ever but I had Kyle to think about.
I am just glad we are talking again and I am glad we're friends again. I just don't know what to think about it all. I really like Kyle and I do believe we should date other people. I mean we have our whole lives to fall back in love with each other. Anyways I have to go the girls are calling me to get ready so we can go out partying tonight :)
He came over the other night and we just talked under the streetlight in his car.
He called, my heart skipped a beat, he told me we needed to talk face to face. I agreed of course. We hung up and I had fifteen minutes to get myself together. I ran around my room with butterflies in my stomach thinking of what to wear, how I look, if I smelled good and mostly how happy I was that he called me. I decided to wear my favorite band shirt with some jeans and my comfiest skate shoes. I threw on a hoodie on top and sprayed myself with Juniper Breeze, his favorite scent on me. I touched up my eye liner, put on my penny necklace he made me and combed out my hair a little. He called me to tell me he was waiting for me and I said I would be out in a second. I turn off my computer, check myself once again, decide this is as good as it gets and then run out to meet him.
My heart is racing, thudding so hard I can hear my own breathing and my steps on the ground make loud crunching noises. I check to see if parents light is on, it's off, say a silent prayer and keep walking towards his car. He gets out and I smile, he smiles back. He walks around to open my door like always. He smells really good, has on a black and red checkered shirt with a black shirt under neath, dark jeans and white sneakers. His hair is hanging a bit over his eyes making him look like Adam Lazzara from Taking Back Sunday. I slip into the seat and he shuts the door. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in and he opens his door, slips in and drives off. Our favorite band is playing through the radio and neither one of us is saying anything. We stay quiet, both afraid to speak, palms sweaty, heart racing and then our favorite song comes on. We both reach over at the same moment to turn it up, we look at each other and smile, let out a nervous laugh.I think to myself God why am I so nervous? Get a grip he's your best friend, what is this a first fucking date? Talk to him idiot! Say something..
Of course I don't say a thing, because I don't need to fill in the silence with Ro. We finally get to the park and park under a street light. He keeps the car on to keep us warm. He turns to me and I instantly know that now we have to talk, now we have to let it all out.
Ro: So.. How are things?
Me: Things are good.. I've missed you. I smile nervously hoping he missed me too.
Ro: Yeah I've missed you too. He smiles back reassuringly
Me: So where ya been?
Ro: I was with Jacob for a while.
Me: Ack! The creeper?
Ro: Yeah He smiles
Me: So how was NYC?
Ro: It was cool for a little while.
Me: Yeah, well your mom misses you, have you been home?
Ro: Looks out the window Yeah I've been home, she wasn't there.
Me: Oh
Ro: So ..
Me: Just spit it out Ro, you can tell me anything I give him wide eyes hoping that it isn't going to be bad news.
He smiles and then lightly presses his nuckles to the steering wheel.
Ro: You really know how to get to the point huh?
Me: Yup! I smile at him. Come on Ro, I don't like fighting with you or not talking to you, so tell me what's up I lightly punch him in the shoulder, you know the friendly ones you see in movies.
Ro: You know why, I told you before I left what was up.
Me: You mean to tell me after our last conversation you just decided to leave and not talk to me for a few days?
Ro: Well what do you expect? I mean I am so in love with you it's not even healthy.
Me: What?
Ro: Oh like you don't know.
Me: Ro I never knew you were in love with me. I mean I just thought we were two friends who were so close that we tried to make a relationship work. I never knew that there was love involved in this besides the love I already have for you as a friend.
He looks like I just crushed him but still I can see he won't give up without telling me everything.
Ro: Mace, I am so in love with you. Always have been. I think I first realized how much I loved you when we were kids. It was the day I walked by that stupid machine with that stupid Polar bear watch. I saw it and thought of you. I then thought about how mean I was and I instantly knew I had to make it better. I was 12 years old when I realized I loved you Mace.
Me: Well you have a funny way of showing it! I mean what about all the shit you put me through in our failed attempts?
Ro: Listen Mace, I know I messed up those times but all I am asking for is one more chance. I just can't stand seeing you hold his hand. I can't stand watching you smile at him the way you used to smile at me.
Me: And how do I smile?
Ro: The smile reaches your eyes. You look so happy like nothing could touch you. You can just see the love in your eyes and you now give him that smile. I used to get that smile. He looks at me, scrutinizing me waiting to see my reaction to what he is saying. I want him to stop staring at me. I want him to just look away. God the look in his eyes just make me want to cry and tell him all the things he wants to hear.
Me: Ro, I do love you. I mean I don't know if I am in love with you anymore. He stares at me to see if I am lying. He is reading every line in my face, watching , waiting, hoping to pick something out to let him know I am lying. I just thought you never felt the same way so I tried to move on. Kyle was there when I made that decision and I like him I really do. I don't know if I love him. I just know that for right now he is who I choose. I hope that doesn't make you not want to be my friend. I mean we've been friends since I was ten.
Ro: Mace, I don't not want you in my life. I need you in my life. Who else will be there for me at 3 in the morning when my whole world is falling apart? I mean it sucks that I waited this long to tell you I love you. It sucks that I did those things to you. I don't deserve you Mace, but I still want you. Just know I will always want you.
Me: That's sweet Ro. Who knows maybe one day our lives will work out that we do end up together. But for now I think we should date other people to see if this is truly love. I mean I am only 14 I don't want to decide my life right now. Do you really want to decide your life at 16?
Ro: If it involves you in it, yes.
I stood quiet I didn't know how to take that. He was being so open, so raw and just let it all out. He was definitely wearing his heart on his sleeve and I was ruining it. I didn't want to be the one to break him, I didn't want to be that girl.
We talked a bit more but then it got a little late for me. I had a test I needed to be fresh for , so we went back to my house. He asked if he could spend the night and I said of course. We went to my room, I changed into my pjs, gave him some comfy pants to wear. He kept his shirt off as usual. I put on some music and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I couldn't believe everything that happened that night. I didn't want to go back out there to my room to see him. I had to, Ro is my best friend and I owe it to him to keep it that way. So I came out we took our sides of the bed and I turned off the lights. I couldn't sleep but I stayed really still like I was sleeping. There was so much to think about. When Ro thought I was asleep, he moved closer to me and cuddled me. He then kissed my inner neck and whispered me loved me. He then touched my hair and fell asleep. I thought it was the cutest thing ever but I had Kyle to think about.
I am just glad we are talking again and I am glad we're friends again. I just don't know what to think about it all. I really like Kyle and I do believe we should date other people. I mean we have our whole lives to fall back in love with each other. Anyways I have to go the girls are calling me to get ready so we can go out partying tonight :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Back to December
Ro
He finally texted me today while I was at school. Said he was okay.
I freaked out because that is all he said to me -_- who does that? Not talk to you for so long and then finally responds to your messages that they are okay? Seriously at a loss for words. I tried to call him and text but I got nothing. I am so pissed off right now. Ugh my phone is going off again, if it isn't him I swear I might cry.
It was him! He is going to stop by later :) Thank god.. maybe we can talk this all out get our friendship back on track!
He finally texted me today while I was at school. Said he was okay.
I freaked out because that is all he said to me -_- who does that? Not talk to you for so long and then finally responds to your messages that they are okay? Seriously at a loss for words. I tried to call him and text but I got nothing. I am so pissed off right now. Ugh my phone is going off again, if it isn't him I swear I might cry.
It was him! He is going to stop by later :) Thank god.. maybe we can talk this all out get our friendship back on track!
Circle the Drain
You know this whole fight with Ro is going horribly. We haven't talked for a couple of days and it seriously a couple days too long. The last time we went over twenty four hours of not speaking was when I was 10 and he was 12. He ruined my favorite Barbie because he decided being friends with Greg was way more cool than hanging out with a 10 year old. So he came over with the boys as I was playing by myself and they teased me, told him to ruin my Barbie if he still wanted to their friend. I could tell he didn't want to ruin it but he wanted to have guy friends so he did it to be cool. I cried of course because the Barbie was given to me by my aunt who had passed away. It was the last thing she ever gave me besides a hug and he ruined it. He showed up on my door step a few days later in a suit with a gift. It was this Coca Cola polar bear watch I had wanted a few weeks back. Apparently he spent all his lunch money on the machine to try to win it for me. Of course he was so damn cute in that suit and the fact that he would do that for me to apologize was the icing on the cake. We've been friends ever since, sure we have our arguments but never like this. Never where we didn't talk to each other for days at a time, usually we bicker, argue and then we just get over it by bringing up old times.
I have tried to call him, text him, email him, tweet him, face book him and I even called his parents house. He won't talk to me and well his mom hasn't seen him for the past two days. I am so worried about him and our friendship. Somethings are going down here in my house and I really just want to talk to Ro. He gets me like no one else does and he always cheers me up some how. I don't know why he is taking this whole Kyle thing to heart. Its really confusing to me because not too long ago he was hanging all over Cherie and that didn't get me all jealous. Now that I mention Kyle and all of a sudden Ro decides he wants us to take things slow and date again.
Speaking of Kyle, I really like him a lot and since Ro isn't around well I've been hanging out with Kyle a bit more. Like the other day I went to one of Kyles Rugby games, it was freezing but still I had fun seeing him get all sweaty. He looked really good in the uniform. I like that Kyle and I are only kissing and holding hands. He doesn't make me feel pressured to do anything else and maybe that's because he doesn't want to do anything else. We've talked about things and he is all for taking things slow. I mean I am in no rush to lose my virginity but at times when we're all making out I feel like I could. I guess he just gets me all hot and bothered but then again I get all creeped out about the whole sex thing. I mean everyone, and I mean EVERYONE says it sucks the first time. It's not enjoyable for the girl at all and really it takes a few times to get used to it. So why in the world would I want to do something that isn't enjoyable and makes me bleed? Pssh I bleed for a few days once a month and that is enough.
Anyways Kyle introduced me to some of his friends who are really cool. I mean I don't know them really but they seemed nice. It's kind of weird going to school now that I don't really talk to anyone. I mean I talk to Peter and Meghan but they are so wrapped up in lovers lane that it gets kind of annoying. Meghan seems nice, I actually invited her to come over later to watch movies and do our nails. Which reminds me I have to text Cassie to see if we are still on for tomorrow night. Kyle has an away game in Delaware so the whole gang minus Ro is going up to cheer him on. I figured Cassie would want to go and maybe see her brother again. Gah the bell is about to ring so I must be going to English now.. By the way Mr. Grey showed me a picture of their little peanut and she looks amazing. She better have his eyes with his dark hair, everything else can be his wife's.
I have tried to call him, text him, email him, tweet him, face book him and I even called his parents house. He won't talk to me and well his mom hasn't seen him for the past two days. I am so worried about him and our friendship. Somethings are going down here in my house and I really just want to talk to Ro. He gets me like no one else does and he always cheers me up some how. I don't know why he is taking this whole Kyle thing to heart. Its really confusing to me because not too long ago he was hanging all over Cherie and that didn't get me all jealous. Now that I mention Kyle and all of a sudden Ro decides he wants us to take things slow and date again.
Speaking of Kyle, I really like him a lot and since Ro isn't around well I've been hanging out with Kyle a bit more. Like the other day I went to one of Kyles Rugby games, it was freezing but still I had fun seeing him get all sweaty. He looked really good in the uniform. I like that Kyle and I are only kissing and holding hands. He doesn't make me feel pressured to do anything else and maybe that's because he doesn't want to do anything else. We've talked about things and he is all for taking things slow. I mean I am in no rush to lose my virginity but at times when we're all making out I feel like I could. I guess he just gets me all hot and bothered but then again I get all creeped out about the whole sex thing. I mean everyone, and I mean EVERYONE says it sucks the first time. It's not enjoyable for the girl at all and really it takes a few times to get used to it. So why in the world would I want to do something that isn't enjoyable and makes me bleed? Pssh I bleed for a few days once a month and that is enough.
Anyways Kyle introduced me to some of his friends who are really cool. I mean I don't know them really but they seemed nice. It's kind of weird going to school now that I don't really talk to anyone. I mean I talk to Peter and Meghan but they are so wrapped up in lovers lane that it gets kind of annoying. Meghan seems nice, I actually invited her to come over later to watch movies and do our nails. Which reminds me I have to text Cassie to see if we are still on for tomorrow night. Kyle has an away game in Delaware so the whole gang minus Ro is going up to cheer him on. I figured Cassie would want to go and maybe see her brother again. Gah the bell is about to ring so I must be going to English now.. By the way Mr. Grey showed me a picture of their little peanut and she looks amazing. She better have his eyes with his dark hair, everything else can be his wife's.
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